Even if.... My hope is in You!

Mountains are beautiful. We step back, observe them, and there's a sort of splendor about them. The time it took for them to be created. The reason they are in the location that they are in. How things around them seem to grow and add to the beauty of the mountain scene. Taking pictures of landscapes and nature is one of my favorites. *I didn't take this picture, just for the record. Anyway, I think about how when we are not climbing the mountain our perspective is so much different. It's so easy to look at things with a good spirit and happy heart/mind, when you aren't struggling up the mountain. 

I've been looking for words, images, perspective over the past week. Last week at the doctor, I was told that I would have to see a fertility specialist if we hoped to conceive our own child. My ovaries are not ovulating. Immediately I felt broken, downtrodden, and even a bit of worthlessness. I should be able to "have my own kids". I should be able to "do it". Those of you who know the full depth of my story from being single to getting married, can sit back and smile because you've seen God's hand in all of it. I also can look back and count my many blessings. Things happened they way they were supposed to. Things happened for a reason. God's timing isn't my timing. All of those sayings ring true. They are meaningful. After hearing the words fertility specialist.... it is almost as if I didn't really hear anything else. I know some of you may be sitting here shaking your head with me. They didn't tell me it was hopeless, they didn't tell me I couldn't conceive, they didn't tell me I had to have a hysterectomy and wouldn't be able to conceive.... I feel like the list can go on and on. 

I wallowed and drowned a bit in my thoughts and emotions. There are positives and negatives in not being a "fast" processor. When it comes to stuff like this, I feel like it takes me a LONG time to figure it out. So we know that God goes before us on many things. Sometimes we don't always see it or feel it, but we can look back later and see that He did. God went before me on this one. We haven't started trying yet, we were just getting things in order to begin trying for a family. God went before me and saved me heartache and disappointment in not being able to conceive. I can see that. I acknowledge that. I was told that my blood sugar was normal, which means I didn't have diabetes. That's great! Especially since it runs in my family. I can see the blessing there. My thyroid was functioning properly. Again, it was great news! I feel like I see blessings in it, but I now see the big mountain in the way. Part of the mountain was put there by me. I'm not in control. God has gone before me trying to break me down from that too. I feel like that's going to be the thing He works on me for a LONG time, not being in control. Our sermon the week before I found out was spot on and perfect timing. God's perfect timing, of course. It parallels with the lyrics to the Mercy Me song Even If. 

Even If - Mercy Me

They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some

And right now, right now I'm losing bad

I've stood on this stage night after night

Reminding the broken it'll be alright

But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith is all I have, right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Oh give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

‘Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

The parts of the lyrics in bold have really spoken to me in all of this. God goes before us in all things. He works everything out for His plan according to His design. That's so hard to wrap my human finite mind around sometimes. We pray for healing from the pain and for Him to take it away. Sometimes that's not the answer He wants to give us. Sometimes He doesn't move the mountain. He can, He will, but even if He doesn't. I want to be able to sing "It is well with my soul." Gosh the tears stream down my face every time I try to bring myself to sing those words. Am I ready to really say it is well? The selfish part of me says no! I'm just being honest and transparent. God can allow us to conceive, but He may choose not to let us. Can I sit here and say it is well with my soul if He doesn't move this mountain? 

I feel like that's the question that resonates. Sometimes God teaches us a lesson in being willing to trust Him no matter what the outcome is. He may not continue to leave the mountain in our way, but He wants us to be able to follow Him and put our whole trust in Him, not in ourselves. It's so hard! I feel like we are trying to climb the mountain that's right in the way of the path. We can't go around it and pretend it's not there. There is no bypassing this mountain. I think back to all the "little" mounds/mountains that God put in my path before this one. The testing that was meant to "get me in shape for this climb". I laugh sometimes because I can see how "small" those other mountains seemed to be. As we grow in the Christian faith, I feel like there are times the mountains just keep getting bigger and bigger. It is all for His glory! My sweet husband reminds me of this on a regular basis. If we are blessed with a baby, it will be on God's time and He WILL get the glory! At the end of the day, the glory is His. Sometimes it feels like if we'd acknowledge this sooner, than maybe we can sprint up the mountain. Unfortunately, I don't think it works that way. I would think that the sooner we accept and relinquish control, the easier it is to breathe as we "pace ourselves" up the mountain. Clearly I'm not a mountain climber and may have butchered this metaphor, but I feel like I get the premise of being able to breath (yay Cardio). 

I don't want to feel like a victim in this testing phase of my life. Oh but it's so easy to wallow and drown in the muck. I sometimes have a hard time telling if something is an attack, or just an opportunity from the Lord for growth. Maybe they kind of go hand in hand at times. God's been breaking me down quite a bit over the last couple of years. I never knew how much growing would take place after getting married. The stripping down of the past, the hurts, the walls that were built up, the apathetic mentality. God has blasted most of that away quickly. lol I can laugh now, because it's not my "current" source of growing pains. I remember telling my husband on multiple occasions that I was so tired of growing. That growing was painful! Well it still is, but it doesn't kill us. Some growth strips us down to the point that we question is He really there. 

God's been faithful in my life. He's there, all the time. Even when it feels like He's not there, He is. I feel like I've been growing a lot in my faith and relationship with the Lord. I guess that's what made me question if it was a spiritual attack or not. I think part of it is. I do believe that God is teaching me through this mountain trek. I read a devotional that said God is the God of the valleys, just like He's the God of the mountains. He's God through all of it! That's a promise to hold on to. My prayer is that I don't get in the way of this mountain and diminish God's glory. I don't want my selfish nature to get into the way. I don't want to have control of it. That's personal growth for me to say! I'm sure my husband would smile after seeing that sentence. I don't want this to hinder my ministry, but to grow it instead. I want God to be able to use this trail for me to minister to others. That means that I have to be focused in the right way. Trusting that He is in control. Trusting that He has my best interest at heart. Someone mentioned that if He loved us enough to sacrifice Himself on the cross and die in the place of our sins, why would He not be there in this trail? I think I forget to come to him with a reverent spirit. Remembering what He's done on the cross for me. The life that He allows me to live, should be bringing glory to Him. It's not about me, it's about God. When the perspective is put into place, you begin to realize what's really important. This is another opportunity for God to "show off". If He so chooses to do that. If He chooses not to move the mountain, I want to be able to say with my whole heart that "It is well with my soul". If He chooses not to allow us to conceive but to adopt instead, I want to be able to say that "it is well with my soul" and all the glory belongs to Him. 

Crying out to the Lord

It's not my normal first reaction to cry out to the Lord when things go wrong. I fret, panic and wallow in my emotions. I get bogged down and feel as though I'm drowning in my emotions. The enemy wins that way. He wins that way... every time. Until I finally reach the point of understanding, stop and realize what's really happening. The enemy wins when I fail to call out to God. He wins when I wallow in my own emotions and get so bogged down. Ouch! That's a stinging truth there. There are going to be hard times. There are going to be times that we should fall on our faces and cry out to the Lord. There are times when we don't and "deal" with it ourselves. I use that term loosely. For me, it's not that I usually "deal" with it. It seems as though I bury it instead. 

One of my friends told me she appreciated how emotionally raw I was. Being raw is painful and uncomfortable. It's hard to be transparent... especially when things are not all sunshine and rainbows. It's hard to open up your heart and share your emotions and deepest thoughts about things, especially when all you want to do is deal with them bury them.  

Today I missed my mom terribly. I wanted nothing more than to call her and talk to her about all the emotional stuff I was feeling. I don't know that she would have spoken the words that I needed to hear, but I sure felt like I needed her. I had an appointment with the OBGYN today. I got off birth control in January in attempts to see if I was having a normal cycle on my own. At some point in the past I was told I had PCOS, which makes ovulating difficult. So I've lived for quite sometime thinking I had this. It didn't really become a reality until today.... when I was sent to go have lab work done to test my "levels". Five vials of blood later and a week of waiting. Then the results were in. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. 

Who is really in control?

I'm pretty sure I'm the worst blogger, ever. I have good intentions of blogging on a regular basis, but then by the end of the day I'm tired. School's been kicking my butt lately. The kids have been wearing me down. I feel like a fort with weakened defenses. I'm not in control.... I'm not in control... I'm not in control. I feel like my bucket is empty. I've been pouring out everything I can on the kids. They've been taking from me emotionally what I don't have to give them. My mind is constantly swimming with the what ifs of teaching life. I'm weary..... I'm worn..... I have a couple of students who are constantly in combative mode with me. It's so hard to "fight" them. I feel like a brand new teacher.... again. It feels wrong to feel that way. Like why do I feel so new after 12 years of experience? I should have all of this down right? My Humanities coach reminds me on a regular basis that when you move schools, you are a new teacher. I've been so overwhelmed with my job that I feel like it's spilling out everywhere in all the emotional areas of my life. It's funny how you can seem to have it all together, but feel like you are all out of sorts underneath it all. I do have a good handle on most things, but I FEEL like I don't. I'm sure most of it is unnecessary pressure that I place upon myself. Those of you who know me, can attest to this statement. I have unrealistic expectations for myself! My former youth pastor used to remind me on a regular basis that "All you can do is all you can do, and all you can do is good enough."

Why do I fight this so much? Why do I feel like I'm not doing a "good enough" job? My administration seems happy with my performance. My coach gives me the pat on the back telling me I'm doing a good job. My students seem to be getting some wealth of knowledge from me. Even if it is learning to say yes ma'am and stop arguing.... I'm tired.... I feel so unsure footed all of the time... I'm not in control. Really the last line is the root of it all. I AM NOT IN CONTROL!  As a teacher who "thrives" on feeling like I'm in control, it's so humbling and crushing to feel like you aren't. To recognize that in the big scheme of life, I'm not the one in control. I think about the song from Natalie Grant... "When did I forget that You've always been the King of the World?" God is in control. If I'm not "giving" Him control, He will find a way to remind me that He is. It's almost comical at the insanity of trying to be in control. My husband reminds me on a frequent basis that I'm really not in control. I don't run the show.... God really has the whole thing taken care of.

At times I feel like my emotional cup is full and threatening to spill over at any moment. One more drop of liquid and it will all come splashing over the sides. Earlier on in my marriage my husband used this visual picture to help me to realize the importance of the emptying of the emotional cup. Not to let it get so full that one more drop will cause the overflow. Blogging/Journaling is my chance to sort through my thoughts. I don't process fast enough. I don't let things go fast enough. I stew and simmer on them until I feel like I've dealt with or sorted through the issues. This of course has it's advantages and disadvantages. It's good to have time of reflection and sorting. Unfortunately, I haven't actually been sorting through and emptying my emotional cup. I don't want to journal. I don't want to "deal" with what's going on. I can handle it.... I'm in control. Then I'm reminded again... that I'm not. I'm reminded that God is. I am super thankful that He is and can do a much better job than I ever could. Boy it's so hard to die to self and the sinful nature. I never realize how bad my "need" for control was such a sin. It's a pride thing... I've got this, I can do this, etc...  Pride..... I didn't really think this was an area of struggle for me. Not that I didn't have prideful moments... usually those ended rather terribly, so I tried to avoid pride. Thinking I'm in control and relying on my own strength for me is a sin. It's me saying I don't need to depend on God. How dumb is that?! I think after all these years, I'd realize my need to depend on Him for everything. I wonder if it's part of the sinful nature. I notice that when I'm supposed to depend on my husband, I struggle. If he suggests I do something my immediate reaction is that I don't want to be told what to do! Ack! When did I become that person? That's the part of marriage that I don't think people really prepare you for. God breaking you down and showing you... the woman... that you aren't in control. Ouch! That stings a bit when it's verbalized. My husband even has a degree of authority that I don't.

I've been overwhelmed with so much of the social media stuff that I've been reading lately. Honestly, it makes me want to take a break from Facebook. I understand where women are coming from in regards to having equality etc... I get the message. I hear what is being said. Then I have to step back from the world and take a look at what the bible tells us. God's design for marriage was that the man is the head, the leader. He is the one to bear the struggles and burdens of provision and making sure that he's leading the family in a Godly way. Now that I'm married, I get just how important that role is. I also see how much I don't want it! I'm not meant to be in the position. I'm not meant to bear that burden by myself. I do my part to help my husband bear that burden, but it's not my burden to bear. God has another position of leadership for me, to manage my home. Management is a tough role to play as well. It requires much from me as a woman. I have to die to self on a regular basis. I have to fight my sinful nature to be in control of it all. (See the common theme popping up here... control... and who really has it). God gives us a spouse as a helpmate. Help means that you don't do it all alone... you are not the only one responsible. You can't do it by yourself! Ack! The very words that sting me to the core. I can't do it by myself. I have to see help. I can't control every situation. I'm not in control. I'm not in control. God is in control of it all! Thankfully He is in control of it all and I'm not.

Finally, Friday!

Every Monday I wake up and hope that it is Friday at 4:00 pm. I've spent the last few weeks in this sort of "survival mode" of sorts. This week has been particularly difficult for me emotionally. I never realized just how homesick I would be for my "comfort zone." I arrived at school around 6:15 this morning and left yesterday at 5:40. I don't normally pull "late" afternoons anymore. I get to school early and try to get as much done as I can. There's something peaceful and serene in my quiet classroom before the hustle and bustle starts. Today I rejoiced that my classroom got vacuumed for real and not just with my sweeper vacuum. I had to get a new filing cabinet yesterday. PTA has been pretty amazing at making copies for me. My stems (Greek and Latin roots) have been run off for almost the entire year. Only problem was my lack of place to put them. So I put in a simple question and received my new/old filing cabinet. You know you are a teacher when little things like that and various other office supplies make you feel amazing! So I organized my class again yesterday. So far my new seating arrangement is working fairly well. The students seem to like it. I just wish they'd pick up their messes every day. I'm pretty sure that's a kid thing and they don't do it. lol

So bible study was good this week. At some point in the discussion we talked about not "wishing our life away" or "wishing for the next step". There was something convicting in that discussion. I've been steadily wishing away my time.... each and every week. Each Monday I hope it's Friday. Each Friday I hope to be closer to a holiday. Each month I hope to be closer to retirement, etc.... I've been holding out until Thanksgiving break. Some days I feel like I'm forgetting to live in the moment... in the day that I've been granted. Each day is a gift from God. So why do I keep wishing it way?

I think this week I finally reached a "break through". I've determined the following things are ok: crying, missing home, feeling like I'm struggling, and just trying to survive. It's ok to take everything just one day at a time. Seeking a blessing or element of hope in each day. What I'm doing is enough. God has me in this season for a reason. I'd be lying if I said it was easy for me to be out of my comfort zone. Stripped down to nothing... vulnerable.... exposed.... Making friends is vulnerable. Navigating a new job location is uncomfortable. Learning to make home where you are is difficult.

I've spent so much of my time wishing for Thanksgiving break. Apparently this is the holiday I wish for EVERY year at this time. However I felt like it was different this year. I'm going home to visit for Thanksgiving. While I felt like that was going to fix all of my problems and the way I was feeling, my husband reminded me this week that it's not the solution. It was like the tiny pin that burst my bubble. Being away from home is hard, but it's not as if I'm going to be able to run home and move back any time soon. So instead of enjoying life around me and enjoying this transition, I've been wishing it away one day at a time. Instead of taking time to try new things, explore new locations, and do something I've always wanted to do, I sit and wish my time way. That's not really a good way to live.

I think for the first time this week I really got to sob and mourn my feelings and frustrations. I got to be ok with not being ok. That was a hard pill to swallow. I was gently reminded by some of the new ladies in my life.... that I shouldn't be wishing my life away. As I reflect over the last few months, I've found one mile marker to "reach" to "shoot for" to get me through. While that's not always a bad thing, I think perpetually it can be. I forget to stop and look around me when I'm so busy trying to make it to the next mark. I miss the beauty of the journey when  I keep seeking the end. I'm not a runner, but when I did/do run I try to make it to the next "mark" with each step against the pavement. I don't enjoy what I'm doing, it becomes more like a chore just trying to get it done. I've never had that wonderful runner's spirit. God has been working on my heart and softly reminding me that I can't wish my life away any longer. He's brought me here in this place, at this time, and for a specific purpose. What's that purpose? I'm still not sure, but I know that there's a reason for it all. Maybe it was the revelation of change. Maybe it is because I'm supposed to be here in this classroom with the kids I've been given to reach just one! Bigger picture to this tapestry called life. The sad part is I've only focused on the thread and not what beautiful thing it's making.

As I sat and graded my kid's fall themed pop art writing assignment, I became so humbled. One kid is thankful that his mom is getting out of jail soon. Gosh my heart just broke for him. What a painful thing to bear. One kid was thankful for her friends helping her when she's feeling down and depressed. She brought a smile to my face when she was thankful for the "coolest ELA teacher". I miss being the "cool" teacher that kids wanted to be in my class or liked my class. I miss feeling like I connect with them and am reaching them. I miss feeling like I am helping them become better people! Of course I sit for a moment and wonder if I've been doing that all along. Have I been that person for some of them? Have I been a source of stability for them when their lives outside of school are so rocky? Have a encouraged them to read, write better, or even be a better student? If I keep wishing my life away and stop looking in the moment, I'll continue to miss the harvest from the seeds I'm sowing.

It's sobering to think about how much I may be missing because I've been so focused on hurrying up out of this stage of life. The good news is God can still use me, still teach me, and still bless me in this season. I hope to see the fruits of my labor and the impact I'm making on these kids. I hope to have a renewed sense of joy as they fill my classroom with their stories, their smiles, and their laughter.

I hope to live in the moment and enjoy the day that I've been given.

Losing control

Nothing hurts worse than having your sins pointed out to you. It’s even worse when you didn’t realize you were sinning. In a world full of sin and the mentality that sin’s ok, it’s so bittersweet to have it pointed out to you. Gosh it hurts! It stings right to the core of who we are. Lots of feelings and emotions rear their ugly head when we are “called out” for sin. We get angry, we feel offended, and better yet we try to justify why we weren’t really sinning. I may be on my own here, but I have a feeling I’m not. Sometimes God breaks us down another notch, just when we thought we were already at the bottom. That we’ve already been broken enough and couldn’t possibly have anything else to “knock us down” further. But alas, God is a God of many things. When we are truly seeking Him, He will bring our sins to light. Sometimes it feels like a big gigantic beacon displaying our sins around us. I sit there thinking to myself…. How did I miss it? How did I not know that I was doing that? How did I not “realize” my attitude was like that? It’s simple…. I wasn’t asking… Sometimes in life we don’t ask because we don’t want to know. We don’t want to hear the negative. We don’t want to have to do the work to “fix it” or “make it right”. We don’t want to own up to our imperfections. That’s pride! It rears its ugly head in many different situations. It’s a sin that is often justified, downplayed, or just plain overlooked.

Unfortunately I’m guilty of this sin… it has consumed me emotionally and caused me to have a negative attitude. Why do I have to feel in control all of the time? Why do I try to plan out a situation in such a way to “make everyone happy” or to “control how they feel”? I guess I didn’t realize that I was being prideful. I didn’t even think to ask God to show that to me. Oh gosh, I sure didn’t want to know that I was doing that. That I was overlooking God’s provision and trying to control everything on my own. How stupid is that? I know that I have no control. Logically I know all of this. So why do I, in my inmost being, think that I really have control over a situation? Today I sit here and cry out to God to change me! Change my heart! Take away my “sinful need” to be in control! Why can’t I be more flexible (my kids would smile and say that’s a vocabulary word from last week)? I AM NOT IN CONTROL! I AM NOT IN CONTROL! I AM NOT IN CONTROL! Somehow I envision myself standing on a mountain top screaming this to the sky. Crying out to God and surrendering to the fact that I am NOT in control. Why can I trust Him for some things, but not everything? Why do I put my trust in earthly people and not my Heavenly Father? Why can’t I give it up? I hate feeling vulnerable (another vocab word last week)! Not being in control makes me feel that way.

I’ve spent the last year or so of my life being broken out of my “comfort zone”. Having all of the things that I could control or that I felt brought me control, being stripped away from me. I feel like I’m walking in a foreign land. I can’t control who decides to befriend me, if I will fit in, will they think I’m weird, etc… I spend my days at school not knowing how to fit in exactly. I don’t know the way things have always been, the proper procedures for everything, etc… I’m having to relearn and depend on someone other than myself. It makes me VERY uncomfortable and I feel EXTREMELY vulnerable. The problem with depending on someone other than myself is that I don’t go to God first. I’ve even mentioned to my husband that I don’t know why I don’t go to God first. It’s like instead of clinging to Him, I run. I try to hide. I try to bury myself and not have to deal with it. I want to live in denial. I want to avoid dealing with it. I want to not have to own my mistakes.

Oh God, my God please break me to where you are the first one that I seek in all things. Lord help me to put my whole trust in You and only You! Humans will let me down, just like I will let them down. I’m asking that you break my heart to surrender to You! Lord break me to where people won’t see me, but see You in me. I want to stop having to carry the heavy burden. I need You to do it for me. As I sit her in tears, you know my heart Father. You know that I don’t want to be stubborn and prideful. I want to be Your child. Confident that you are in control of everything and I am in control of nothing! God help me to see that You are the only one my trust should be in. You love me so much that you can count the number of hairs on my head and know my heart, deep into the core of my being. Father I don’t want to be in control. I want to be free to put my trust in You and leave it there. Teach me to quit picking up the load and quit trying to carry it myself. I can’t do it anymore! I lay it all down at your feet and beg for you to carry the load for me.

Your grace is sufficient for me. Thank you for not giving me what I deserve. Thank you for loving me, even when I feel unlovable. Thank you for blessing me with a husband who loves me and wants to push me to grow closer to you. For that I’m blessed beyond measure. Father, I know that you haven’t forgotten me. I know that you are here with me even when I feel like I’m in a valley. You are the God of the mountains, just like you are the God of the valleys. You bring us hope for tomorrow when it feels like there isn’t any hope left.

Father I pray that you give me peace today as I’m exposed and vulnerable today. Give me freedom to know that You’ve got this and I don’t have to do it on my own. God help me to know that you love me and that even though I’ve messed up, that I am lovable and loved by You. I pray that you restore my broken spirit and fill my spirit with Your promises of truth. Give me scripture or music to remind me of your grace and mercy today. Please forgive me for being so prideful that I felt like I could be in control. Father help me to accept Your forgiveness, but to also forgive myself and not hold on to the imperfections. Protect me from attacks from satan today Lord. Don’t give him the opportunity to tear me down today. Thank you for your unconditional love.

Amen

Thy Will Be Done

End of week 1

At the end of this first week of school, the lyrics to a Hillary Scott song keep coming to my mind. I think these last few weeks of preparation for school has finally put me over the edge. My heart is sad to be away from my school family and spending the time developing a new family. It's so strange to start over.... my new school family is great. They are all super nice and have brought me into the family with open arms. As I was getting ready to leave school today, I was so worn down and weary. I was lonesome for my school family, my familiarity, my comfort zone. 

I can hear the words now "I'm so confused. I know I heard you loud and clear. So, I followed through. Somehow I ended up here. I don't wanna think. I may never understand. That my broken heart is a part of your plan. When I try to pray. All I've got is hurt and these four words: Thy will be done - Thy will be done - Thy will be done. I know you're good. But this don't feel good right now. And I know you think. Of things I could never think about. It's hard to count it all joy. Distracted by the noise. Just trying to make sense. Of all your promises. Sometimes I gotta stop. Remember that you're God. And I am not. So - Thy will be done - Thy will be done - Thy will be done. Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is: Thy will be done - Thy will be done - Thy will. I know you see me. I know you hear me, Lord

Your plans are for me. Goodness you have in store." 

My heart is broken.... it is sad and lonely. Change is hard. Moving is hard. Starting over is hard. Finding new friends is hard. Waiting on the Lord is hard. It's been a great deal of things that have just plain been hard. I feel like my mind is swirling with emotions. I'm so torn and I feel as though I'm mourning my former family.

Beginning of Week 3

I tried to blog at the end of week 1. I started, but couldn't make myself finish. I planned to blog at the end of week 2, but I was so emotionally worn out. Thankfully the Lord restores our soul. Here I am sitting at my desk waiting to begin week 3 at my new school. So I know many of my friends have wanted to know how it's been going, what's different about this new school, etc... I'll do my best to give you a decent summary. 

Week 1: This was the most difficult week I have had. I think all of the impact of moving and leaving home FINALLY hit me hard! It was so different starting school without my "family". I didn't realize how much I would miss the familiarity and friendships. I was homesick this week and it was heartbreaking. I had a conversation with my new JaJa (grandmother) about it that first Friday afternoon. I honestly don't view her as a grandmother figure, but more like a mother figure. She just takes us all in and nurtures us. I attended bible study this week. Oh my soul NEEDED the time together and this new family to fellowship together in God's word. I left that Friday feeling very run down and defeated. My husband sat with me over the weekend and helped me find my confidence again. He gave me some insight that helped me figure out this new "way" of teaching and how to make it work for me. I was ready for the next week! 

Week 2: I came in ready to rock and roll! We went 90 to nothing all week. I think the theme of my Pre-AP class is "we're going to run out of time!" They laugh at me when I say it, but I'm pretty sure I said it every single day this week. I finally got my teaching groove back and stopped wallowing in the muck. It was hard to "get over myself," but I knew it was necessary. I gained a new walking buddy. It has been so good to spend a bit of time each day getting some exercise in. I tried to leave at a decent time this week. This having students until 4 pm is tough! I'm really having to adjust to the schedule. Of course I'm a creature of habit and change is hard for me. I began to learn my classes and their personalities. I have some super amazing kids, and I have some that will keep me on my toes all year. I know it's like this every year. I have a couple of wonderful walking buddies. We walk each day during our conference (planning) period. It has been good to get some purposeful exercise and building friendships. It's just interesting how I'm trying to learn to "fit in" with this new family. I ended this week without a tear in my eye, but eager to have a 3 day weekend. Jacob and I spent a good amount of time "resting" over the weekend. We are working on being purposeful with our rest. 

Week 3: As you read above, I sat down and started writing again at the beginning of week 3. Needless to say I didn't make it that far.  I got paid this week, which was pretty amazing. I had my first parent conference this week. It went rather well and I was very thankful for that. Open house was Thursday of this week. It went so much better than I expected. I know it's not my first open house ever, but it was my first one here. The parents were super nice and welcomed me to Texas. It was a neat moment. 

Week 4: I figured I needed to make a point to stop and blog now. I can't add new things until I wrap this post up. It's been a super busy week. Our school participates in Rachel's Challenge (Rachel Scott from Columbine school shooting). We had an assembly about that on Monday. I can't believe it was so "long" ago. I was a senior in high school. So we've been trying to work on technology this week. *insert headdesk here* It was a challenging week with one of my classes. It just reminded me how much they still need to know. It was my own fault for assuming they had more tech knowledge than they did. I think my classroom is really differentiated for the first time. It is like the students are all working on the assignment in a way that's comfortable for them at their own pace. It is so weird to "step back" and get out of the way. This particular lesson is the first real "differentiated" lesson I've had. I'm looking forward to becoming more comfortable with this type of teaching. Everyone working at their own pace. My kids are AMAZED that I can type without looking. I keep reminding them that I took a class to learn to do that. I used my "text a friend" option to get the website for free typing skills. I added that to my it's learning (website). The kids were pumped about it. 

I guess that's my overall view. I've had great days, mediocre days, and awful days. I've had homesick days, days I feel like I fit in, and days that I'm just kind of here. I'm thankful though. Change is hard... no one EVER said it'd be easy. My husband said to me at the beginning of all of this when I got my job at Seabrook that these kids needed me. I'm starting to feel the truth in that statement. They are starting to seem more comfortable with me. I hear the sounds of them in the hallway coming back from lunch. I'm closing this one out for now. 

A warm brownie and a scoop of ice cream

Some days you just need a warm brownie and a scoop of ice cream. Today was one of those days. So this morning was kind of the climax of my studying adventures over the transition from Louisiana to Texas. I spoke to a friend and my dad this morning for a "pep talk" prior to going in and taking the test. I got to the campus and went to the correct building as this was not my first rodeo there. Thankfully I was more confident in the fact that I knew where to go. I want to take a moment to thank all my friends for the messages, texts, posts on my fb page, and especially for ALL the much needed prayers.

After my paper license fiasco, I was finally seated in front of the computer that would become my best friend for potentially the next 5 hours. I worked my way through the ELA questions. When I got to about 60 my eyes were starting to blur. I finished the 74 questions before the time was "over" for that test. I plowed on into math next. I had one hour and five minutes for 45 questions. After I got to the second question, I wanted to panic. This test was CRAZY hard and had stuff on there I've never seen! I wanted to beat up the calculator. I normally use the number pad on the keyboard to type in numbers when using the calculator online. Oh but no.... that is NOT the way this one worked. It was slowing me down so much to click in the numbers. I was ready to "throw the calculator out of the window".  I managed to complete the test with only 4 minutes to spare. Math was going to be the death of me today, or so I thought. Social studies was the next subject to tackle. I had 50 minutes to answer 45 questions. I prayed to the Lord that I would be able to insert some common sense somewhere in there. It felt like the questions didn't even give me that option. I'm not sure how I survived that test, but I'm also not too certain how well I did. Social studies is NOT my strong suit. Then came Science. Another 50 minutes to answer 45 questions. At this point I feel it important to mention that my stomach was growling so loud during three of the four tests. I was STARVING!!! I occasionally looked at the girl next to me to see if my stomach was distracting her. Thankfully it wasn't.  I could have taken a break that totaled up to 15 minutes. I figured at that point it didn't matter and I should just keep "running" through the test. Meanwhile back to Science..... There were many things that I studied and I hoped to see that material on the test. Of course you know how that goes.... not really much was there. Again I prayed for common sense in guessing/answering because at this point I'm not real sure what was happening. I finished the test, handed over my scratch paper, and left the building.

I made it to my car and then cried. I'm not sure if it was out of frustration or just relief that this testing process could potentially be over. Heck it could have been both for all I know. I paid my for my parking and got on the road to head home. When I got home I was at a loss for how to feel. Honestly I didn't leave the test feeling like I did that great. I really am praying that the odds are in my favor. I hate to say that, but the confidence isn't really there. This test was hard. I told Jacob that I felt there was NO WAY that I could possibly know "everything" that they would pull from. I mean you are summarizing content areas into 45 questions! It's the luck of the draw at that point. Oh and don't get me started on how terrible I think Texas history went down. I read a bunch of stuff and NONE of that was on the test either! ACK!!!

Here's the skinny on my stress about this test.... I have until January 1st to complete my certification and have my official Texas teaching certificate or my contract is null and void and I'll be terminated. Yes, you read that correctly.... terminated... let go... job less.... in the middle of the school year. I've NEVER been fired from a job in my life. So needless to say this has put the pressure on me. I have to pass all four subjects individually in order to get my certificate. I wish there was a total scaled score, but I think they did away with that type of scoring in the last couple of years. At this point it is, what it is. I have to have my ESL certification by February 1st, but thankfully I've passed that one. Anyway back to the content area. If I don't pass, I have to wait 45 days to retake the test. Thankfully I only have to take the subjects that I didn't pass. The issue is that it only gives me like 2 more tries before my "deadline".

I'm worried about it. I am stressed about it. I feel inadequate because I am terrible at social studies (and apparently math and science). Hopefully I passed ELA at least. Everyone says "you'll be great!", "you've got this!", "this is no problem for you."  I ask myself the question what if I don't have this? What if I don't pass the test? What if I can't? I know... I know... that's Satan trying to bring me down. Guys... fear and doubt are awful! It is terrible to be so scared of failing. How do our kids feel when we put this kind of pressure on them? I mean it's crazy stressful. I think it was a reminder to me about how the students feel during testing time as well. Anyway, I'm so bogged down with the fear of failure on this one. I'm a teacher.... this is what I do... this is what I want to do. I really do enjoy teaching kids. I've already been trying to get excited about my new school, new class, new crop of kids, etc.... The fear of failing is always there in the back of my mind. I feel like this test was so much pressure on me. The need to pass and "move on" from the studying is so important to me. Of course you know how it is now... hurry up and wait. I have to wait several days for my scores to come in. Thankfully it's not 6 weeks like it used to be for the paper pencil type tests. I'll know by next week the verdict of my testing and my fate. I just want to see the word passed four times and I will feel like a champion.

I got my real Texas driver's license today, go figure! I ate a salad, cut out some school lamination stuff, and fixed myself a brownie. I do want to rejoice in the fact that the brownie sundae was totally weight watchers friendly, so I could eat it guilt free!

I know that God is not a God of fear. I know that he has called us to trust in Him. I'm working on it... It's a hard thing to do! I'm running out of mental steam. My brain is done and needs an opportunity to rest and rejuvenate.