Finally, Friday!

Every Monday I wake up and hope that it is Friday at 4:00 pm. I've spent the last few weeks in this sort of "survival mode" of sorts. This week has been particularly difficult for me emotionally. I never realized just how homesick I would be for my "comfort zone." I arrived at school around 6:15 this morning and left yesterday at 5:40. I don't normally pull "late" afternoons anymore. I get to school early and try to get as much done as I can. There's something peaceful and serene in my quiet classroom before the hustle and bustle starts. Today I rejoiced that my classroom got vacuumed for real and not just with my sweeper vacuum. I had to get a new filing cabinet yesterday. PTA has been pretty amazing at making copies for me. My stems (Greek and Latin roots) have been run off for almost the entire year. Only problem was my lack of place to put them. So I put in a simple question and received my new/old filing cabinet. You know you are a teacher when little things like that and various other office supplies make you feel amazing! So I organized my class again yesterday. So far my new seating arrangement is working fairly well. The students seem to like it. I just wish they'd pick up their messes every day. I'm pretty sure that's a kid thing and they don't do it. lol

So bible study was good this week. At some point in the discussion we talked about not "wishing our life away" or "wishing for the next step". There was something convicting in that discussion. I've been steadily wishing away my time.... each and every week. Each Monday I hope it's Friday. Each Friday I hope to be closer to a holiday. Each month I hope to be closer to retirement, etc.... I've been holding out until Thanksgiving break. Some days I feel like I'm forgetting to live in the moment... in the day that I've been granted. Each day is a gift from God. So why do I keep wishing it way?

I think this week I finally reached a "break through". I've determined the following things are ok: crying, missing home, feeling like I'm struggling, and just trying to survive. It's ok to take everything just one day at a time. Seeking a blessing or element of hope in each day. What I'm doing is enough. God has me in this season for a reason. I'd be lying if I said it was easy for me to be out of my comfort zone. Stripped down to nothing... vulnerable.... exposed.... Making friends is vulnerable. Navigating a new job location is uncomfortable. Learning to make home where you are is difficult.

I've spent so much of my time wishing for Thanksgiving break. Apparently this is the holiday I wish for EVERY year at this time. However I felt like it was different this year. I'm going home to visit for Thanksgiving. While I felt like that was going to fix all of my problems and the way I was feeling, my husband reminded me this week that it's not the solution. It was like the tiny pin that burst my bubble. Being away from home is hard, but it's not as if I'm going to be able to run home and move back any time soon. So instead of enjoying life around me and enjoying this transition, I've been wishing it away one day at a time. Instead of taking time to try new things, explore new locations, and do something I've always wanted to do, I sit and wish my time way. That's not really a good way to live.

I think for the first time this week I really got to sob and mourn my feelings and frustrations. I got to be ok with not being ok. That was a hard pill to swallow. I was gently reminded by some of the new ladies in my life.... that I shouldn't be wishing my life away. As I reflect over the last few months, I've found one mile marker to "reach" to "shoot for" to get me through. While that's not always a bad thing, I think perpetually it can be. I forget to stop and look around me when I'm so busy trying to make it to the next mark. I miss the beauty of the journey when  I keep seeking the end. I'm not a runner, but when I did/do run I try to make it to the next "mark" with each step against the pavement. I don't enjoy what I'm doing, it becomes more like a chore just trying to get it done. I've never had that wonderful runner's spirit. God has been working on my heart and softly reminding me that I can't wish my life away any longer. He's brought me here in this place, at this time, and for a specific purpose. What's that purpose? I'm still not sure, but I know that there's a reason for it all. Maybe it was the revelation of change. Maybe it is because I'm supposed to be here in this classroom with the kids I've been given to reach just one! Bigger picture to this tapestry called life. The sad part is I've only focused on the thread and not what beautiful thing it's making.

As I sat and graded my kid's fall themed pop art writing assignment, I became so humbled. One kid is thankful that his mom is getting out of jail soon. Gosh my heart just broke for him. What a painful thing to bear. One kid was thankful for her friends helping her when she's feeling down and depressed. She brought a smile to my face when she was thankful for the "coolest ELA teacher". I miss being the "cool" teacher that kids wanted to be in my class or liked my class. I miss feeling like I connect with them and am reaching them. I miss feeling like I am helping them become better people! Of course I sit for a moment and wonder if I've been doing that all along. Have I been that person for some of them? Have I been a source of stability for them when their lives outside of school are so rocky? Have a encouraged them to read, write better, or even be a better student? If I keep wishing my life away and stop looking in the moment, I'll continue to miss the harvest from the seeds I'm sowing.

It's sobering to think about how much I may be missing because I've been so focused on hurrying up out of this stage of life. The good news is God can still use me, still teach me, and still bless me in this season. I hope to see the fruits of my labor and the impact I'm making on these kids. I hope to have a renewed sense of joy as they fill my classroom with their stories, their smiles, and their laughter.

I hope to live in the moment and enjoy the day that I've been given.

Losing control

Nothing hurts worse than having your sins pointed out to you. It’s even worse when you didn’t realize you were sinning. In a world full of sin and the mentality that sin’s ok, it’s so bittersweet to have it pointed out to you. Gosh it hurts! It stings right to the core of who we are. Lots of feelings and emotions rear their ugly head when we are “called out” for sin. We get angry, we feel offended, and better yet we try to justify why we weren’t really sinning. I may be on my own here, but I have a feeling I’m not. Sometimes God breaks us down another notch, just when we thought we were already at the bottom. That we’ve already been broken enough and couldn’t possibly have anything else to “knock us down” further. But alas, God is a God of many things. When we are truly seeking Him, He will bring our sins to light. Sometimes it feels like a big gigantic beacon displaying our sins around us. I sit there thinking to myself…. How did I miss it? How did I not know that I was doing that? How did I not “realize” my attitude was like that? It’s simple…. I wasn’t asking… Sometimes in life we don’t ask because we don’t want to know. We don’t want to hear the negative. We don’t want to have to do the work to “fix it” or “make it right”. We don’t want to own up to our imperfections. That’s pride! It rears its ugly head in many different situations. It’s a sin that is often justified, downplayed, or just plain overlooked.

Unfortunately I’m guilty of this sin… it has consumed me emotionally and caused me to have a negative attitude. Why do I have to feel in control all of the time? Why do I try to plan out a situation in such a way to “make everyone happy” or to “control how they feel”? I guess I didn’t realize that I was being prideful. I didn’t even think to ask God to show that to me. Oh gosh, I sure didn’t want to know that I was doing that. That I was overlooking God’s provision and trying to control everything on my own. How stupid is that? I know that I have no control. Logically I know all of this. So why do I, in my inmost being, think that I really have control over a situation? Today I sit here and cry out to God to change me! Change my heart! Take away my “sinful need” to be in control! Why can’t I be more flexible (my kids would smile and say that’s a vocabulary word from last week)? I AM NOT IN CONTROL! I AM NOT IN CONTROL! I AM NOT IN CONTROL! Somehow I envision myself standing on a mountain top screaming this to the sky. Crying out to God and surrendering to the fact that I am NOT in control. Why can I trust Him for some things, but not everything? Why do I put my trust in earthly people and not my Heavenly Father? Why can’t I give it up? I hate feeling vulnerable (another vocab word last week)! Not being in control makes me feel that way.

I’ve spent the last year or so of my life being broken out of my “comfort zone”. Having all of the things that I could control or that I felt brought me control, being stripped away from me. I feel like I’m walking in a foreign land. I can’t control who decides to befriend me, if I will fit in, will they think I’m weird, etc… I spend my days at school not knowing how to fit in exactly. I don’t know the way things have always been, the proper procedures for everything, etc… I’m having to relearn and depend on someone other than myself. It makes me VERY uncomfortable and I feel EXTREMELY vulnerable. The problem with depending on someone other than myself is that I don’t go to God first. I’ve even mentioned to my husband that I don’t know why I don’t go to God first. It’s like instead of clinging to Him, I run. I try to hide. I try to bury myself and not have to deal with it. I want to live in denial. I want to avoid dealing with it. I want to not have to own my mistakes.

Oh God, my God please break me to where you are the first one that I seek in all things. Lord help me to put my whole trust in You and only You! Humans will let me down, just like I will let them down. I’m asking that you break my heart to surrender to You! Lord break me to where people won’t see me, but see You in me. I want to stop having to carry the heavy burden. I need You to do it for me. As I sit her in tears, you know my heart Father. You know that I don’t want to be stubborn and prideful. I want to be Your child. Confident that you are in control of everything and I am in control of nothing! God help me to see that You are the only one my trust should be in. You love me so much that you can count the number of hairs on my head and know my heart, deep into the core of my being. Father I don’t want to be in control. I want to be free to put my trust in You and leave it there. Teach me to quit picking up the load and quit trying to carry it myself. I can’t do it anymore! I lay it all down at your feet and beg for you to carry the load for me.

Your grace is sufficient for me. Thank you for not giving me what I deserve. Thank you for loving me, even when I feel unlovable. Thank you for blessing me with a husband who loves me and wants to push me to grow closer to you. For that I’m blessed beyond measure. Father, I know that you haven’t forgotten me. I know that you are here with me even when I feel like I’m in a valley. You are the God of the mountains, just like you are the God of the valleys. You bring us hope for tomorrow when it feels like there isn’t any hope left.

Father I pray that you give me peace today as I’m exposed and vulnerable today. Give me freedom to know that You’ve got this and I don’t have to do it on my own. God help me to know that you love me and that even though I’ve messed up, that I am lovable and loved by You. I pray that you restore my broken spirit and fill my spirit with Your promises of truth. Give me scripture or music to remind me of your grace and mercy today. Please forgive me for being so prideful that I felt like I could be in control. Father help me to accept Your forgiveness, but to also forgive myself and not hold on to the imperfections. Protect me from attacks from satan today Lord. Don’t give him the opportunity to tear me down today. Thank you for your unconditional love.

Amen

Thy Will Be Done

End of week 1

At the end of this first week of school, the lyrics to a Hillary Scott song keep coming to my mind. I think these last few weeks of preparation for school has finally put me over the edge. My heart is sad to be away from my school family and spending the time developing a new family. It's so strange to start over.... my new school family is great. They are all super nice and have brought me into the family with open arms. As I was getting ready to leave school today, I was so worn down and weary. I was lonesome for my school family, my familiarity, my comfort zone. 

I can hear the words now "I'm so confused. I know I heard you loud and clear. So, I followed through. Somehow I ended up here. I don't wanna think. I may never understand. That my broken heart is a part of your plan. When I try to pray. All I've got is hurt and these four words: Thy will be done - Thy will be done - Thy will be done. I know you're good. But this don't feel good right now. And I know you think. Of things I could never think about. It's hard to count it all joy. Distracted by the noise. Just trying to make sense. Of all your promises. Sometimes I gotta stop. Remember that you're God. And I am not. So - Thy will be done - Thy will be done - Thy will be done. Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is: Thy will be done - Thy will be done - Thy will. I know you see me. I know you hear me, Lord

Your plans are for me. Goodness you have in store." 

My heart is broken.... it is sad and lonely. Change is hard. Moving is hard. Starting over is hard. Finding new friends is hard. Waiting on the Lord is hard. It's been a great deal of things that have just plain been hard. I feel like my mind is swirling with emotions. I'm so torn and I feel as though I'm mourning my former family.

Beginning of Week 3

I tried to blog at the end of week 1. I started, but couldn't make myself finish. I planned to blog at the end of week 2, but I was so emotionally worn out. Thankfully the Lord restores our soul. Here I am sitting at my desk waiting to begin week 3 at my new school. So I know many of my friends have wanted to know how it's been going, what's different about this new school, etc... I'll do my best to give you a decent summary. 

Week 1: This was the most difficult week I have had. I think all of the impact of moving and leaving home FINALLY hit me hard! It was so different starting school without my "family". I didn't realize how much I would miss the familiarity and friendships. I was homesick this week and it was heartbreaking. I had a conversation with my new JaJa (grandmother) about it that first Friday afternoon. I honestly don't view her as a grandmother figure, but more like a mother figure. She just takes us all in and nurtures us. I attended bible study this week. Oh my soul NEEDED the time together and this new family to fellowship together in God's word. I left that Friday feeling very run down and defeated. My husband sat with me over the weekend and helped me find my confidence again. He gave me some insight that helped me figure out this new "way" of teaching and how to make it work for me. I was ready for the next week! 

Week 2: I came in ready to rock and roll! We went 90 to nothing all week. I think the theme of my Pre-AP class is "we're going to run out of time!" They laugh at me when I say it, but I'm pretty sure I said it every single day this week. I finally got my teaching groove back and stopped wallowing in the muck. It was hard to "get over myself," but I knew it was necessary. I gained a new walking buddy. It has been so good to spend a bit of time each day getting some exercise in. I tried to leave at a decent time this week. This having students until 4 pm is tough! I'm really having to adjust to the schedule. Of course I'm a creature of habit and change is hard for me. I began to learn my classes and their personalities. I have some super amazing kids, and I have some that will keep me on my toes all year. I know it's like this every year. I have a couple of wonderful walking buddies. We walk each day during our conference (planning) period. It has been good to get some purposeful exercise and building friendships. It's just interesting how I'm trying to learn to "fit in" with this new family. I ended this week without a tear in my eye, but eager to have a 3 day weekend. Jacob and I spent a good amount of time "resting" over the weekend. We are working on being purposeful with our rest. 

Week 3: As you read above, I sat down and started writing again at the beginning of week 3. Needless to say I didn't make it that far.  I got paid this week, which was pretty amazing. I had my first parent conference this week. It went rather well and I was very thankful for that. Open house was Thursday of this week. It went so much better than I expected. I know it's not my first open house ever, but it was my first one here. The parents were super nice and welcomed me to Texas. It was a neat moment. 

Week 4: I figured I needed to make a point to stop and blog now. I can't add new things until I wrap this post up. It's been a super busy week. Our school participates in Rachel's Challenge (Rachel Scott from Columbine school shooting). We had an assembly about that on Monday. I can't believe it was so "long" ago. I was a senior in high school. So we've been trying to work on technology this week. *insert headdesk here* It was a challenging week with one of my classes. It just reminded me how much they still need to know. It was my own fault for assuming they had more tech knowledge than they did. I think my classroom is really differentiated for the first time. It is like the students are all working on the assignment in a way that's comfortable for them at their own pace. It is so weird to "step back" and get out of the way. This particular lesson is the first real "differentiated" lesson I've had. I'm looking forward to becoming more comfortable with this type of teaching. Everyone working at their own pace. My kids are AMAZED that I can type without looking. I keep reminding them that I took a class to learn to do that. I used my "text a friend" option to get the website for free typing skills. I added that to my it's learning (website). The kids were pumped about it. 

I guess that's my overall view. I've had great days, mediocre days, and awful days. I've had homesick days, days I feel like I fit in, and days that I'm just kind of here. I'm thankful though. Change is hard... no one EVER said it'd be easy. My husband said to me at the beginning of all of this when I got my job at Seabrook that these kids needed me. I'm starting to feel the truth in that statement. They are starting to seem more comfortable with me. I hear the sounds of them in the hallway coming back from lunch. I'm closing this one out for now. 

A warm brownie and a scoop of ice cream

Some days you just need a warm brownie and a scoop of ice cream. Today was one of those days. So this morning was kind of the climax of my studying adventures over the transition from Louisiana to Texas. I spoke to a friend and my dad this morning for a "pep talk" prior to going in and taking the test. I got to the campus and went to the correct building as this was not my first rodeo there. Thankfully I was more confident in the fact that I knew where to go. I want to take a moment to thank all my friends for the messages, texts, posts on my fb page, and especially for ALL the much needed prayers.

After my paper license fiasco, I was finally seated in front of the computer that would become my best friend for potentially the next 5 hours. I worked my way through the ELA questions. When I got to about 60 my eyes were starting to blur. I finished the 74 questions before the time was "over" for that test. I plowed on into math next. I had one hour and five minutes for 45 questions. After I got to the second question, I wanted to panic. This test was CRAZY hard and had stuff on there I've never seen! I wanted to beat up the calculator. I normally use the number pad on the keyboard to type in numbers when using the calculator online. Oh but no.... that is NOT the way this one worked. It was slowing me down so much to click in the numbers. I was ready to "throw the calculator out of the window".  I managed to complete the test with only 4 minutes to spare. Math was going to be the death of me today, or so I thought. Social studies was the next subject to tackle. I had 50 minutes to answer 45 questions. I prayed to the Lord that I would be able to insert some common sense somewhere in there. It felt like the questions didn't even give me that option. I'm not sure how I survived that test, but I'm also not too certain how well I did. Social studies is NOT my strong suit. Then came Science. Another 50 minutes to answer 45 questions. At this point I feel it important to mention that my stomach was growling so loud during three of the four tests. I was STARVING!!! I occasionally looked at the girl next to me to see if my stomach was distracting her. Thankfully it wasn't.  I could have taken a break that totaled up to 15 minutes. I figured at that point it didn't matter and I should just keep "running" through the test. Meanwhile back to Science..... There were many things that I studied and I hoped to see that material on the test. Of course you know how that goes.... not really much was there. Again I prayed for common sense in guessing/answering because at this point I'm not real sure what was happening. I finished the test, handed over my scratch paper, and left the building.

I made it to my car and then cried. I'm not sure if it was out of frustration or just relief that this testing process could potentially be over. Heck it could have been both for all I know. I paid my for my parking and got on the road to head home. When I got home I was at a loss for how to feel. Honestly I didn't leave the test feeling like I did that great. I really am praying that the odds are in my favor. I hate to say that, but the confidence isn't really there. This test was hard. I told Jacob that I felt there was NO WAY that I could possibly know "everything" that they would pull from. I mean you are summarizing content areas into 45 questions! It's the luck of the draw at that point. Oh and don't get me started on how terrible I think Texas history went down. I read a bunch of stuff and NONE of that was on the test either! ACK!!!

Here's the skinny on my stress about this test.... I have until January 1st to complete my certification and have my official Texas teaching certificate or my contract is null and void and I'll be terminated. Yes, you read that correctly.... terminated... let go... job less.... in the middle of the school year. I've NEVER been fired from a job in my life. So needless to say this has put the pressure on me. I have to pass all four subjects individually in order to get my certificate. I wish there was a total scaled score, but I think they did away with that type of scoring in the last couple of years. At this point it is, what it is. I have to have my ESL certification by February 1st, but thankfully I've passed that one. Anyway back to the content area. If I don't pass, I have to wait 45 days to retake the test. Thankfully I only have to take the subjects that I didn't pass. The issue is that it only gives me like 2 more tries before my "deadline".

I'm worried about it. I am stressed about it. I feel inadequate because I am terrible at social studies (and apparently math and science). Hopefully I passed ELA at least. Everyone says "you'll be great!", "you've got this!", "this is no problem for you."  I ask myself the question what if I don't have this? What if I don't pass the test? What if I can't? I know... I know... that's Satan trying to bring me down. Guys... fear and doubt are awful! It is terrible to be so scared of failing. How do our kids feel when we put this kind of pressure on them? I mean it's crazy stressful. I think it was a reminder to me about how the students feel during testing time as well. Anyway, I'm so bogged down with the fear of failure on this one. I'm a teacher.... this is what I do... this is what I want to do. I really do enjoy teaching kids. I've already been trying to get excited about my new school, new class, new crop of kids, etc.... The fear of failing is always there in the back of my mind. I feel like this test was so much pressure on me. The need to pass and "move on" from the studying is so important to me. Of course you know how it is now... hurry up and wait. I have to wait several days for my scores to come in. Thankfully it's not 6 weeks like it used to be for the paper pencil type tests. I'll know by next week the verdict of my testing and my fate. I just want to see the word passed four times and I will feel like a champion.

I got my real Texas driver's license today, go figure! I ate a salad, cut out some school lamination stuff, and fixed myself a brownie. I do want to rejoice in the fact that the brownie sundae was totally weight watchers friendly, so I could eat it guilt free!

I know that God is not a God of fear. I know that he has called us to trust in Him. I'm working on it... It's a hard thing to do! I'm running out of mental steam. My brain is done and needs an opportunity to rest and rejuvenate.

Before the alarm goes off

Last night was a restless night. I'm not really sure why. I've been up since before 2 am. I spent time studying for my upcoming test. Honestly I really thought that would put me to sleep. Alas it did not! I figured by about 4 am there was no point in trying to go back to sleep when the alarm would sound at 5:30. So I thought I'd try to sneak a blog entry in before I have to cook breakfast.

--------- much later in the evening---------

Yesterday was our one year anniversary. It's so crazy to think about how fast this year seemed to go. There were moments it felt like it drug on forever, but overall it was pretty quick. It was a pretty good evening spent together. We got to really just reflect about the good and funny things over the past year. I consider myself to be really blessed to have the wonderful husband that I do.

Being married is a lot more difficult than I had imagined it would be. My life changed in MANY ways this past year. New role, city, home, job, etc... All in all I would say this first year was full of many adventures, but I'm sure glad to spend them with my husband. I'm so glad that I waited on the Lord's best for me.

One of the biggest things I've learned this past year is that a wife's work is never done! I've heard that saying time and time again. Before I became a wife, I didn't understand what that really meant. I think that a husband's work is never done either. I'm pretty sure it's called "adulting". I think for both parties the job continues, the work load is always there, and the stress of trying to get it done remains. God's really been softening my heart to these facts. Maybe He has something great in store for the knowledge I'm acquiring.

In an earlier post I made reference to the dreaded laundry basket that I just can't seem to keep empty. I think that's one of the most symbolic chores of a wife's work never being done. I think the struggle is that our jobs are ongoing and never really ending. The dishes will always need to be washed, meals will need to be cooked, the floors will need to be cleaned and the list goes on and on. There is always work to be done to take care of and manage our home.

When I lived with my dad I didn't always get the importance of the house being picked up. I was immature. I get it now! Sorry dad for all those times you came home from a rough day and the house wasn't picked up or there was a mess in the kitchen because I had cooked. My husband has explained to me on several occasions how important it is for a man to come home to a clean house. As a wife I'm just rallying around the fact that we are in one piece, dinner made it to the table, and I did something productive for the day. If the sink has dishes... it's ok because I did x, y, and z. If the living room hasn't been picked up, it's ok right? I'm learning that the effort to keep the home clean and organized means a TON to my husband. He appreciates that I take the time to work on keeping the house clean. I don't enjoy doing chores..... some people LOVE cleaning, it's not my favorite thing. My heart doesn't do flip flops from cleaning the house. My husband is an acts of service man. That's one of his love languages. It means a great deal to him that I WANT to clean the house for him. That I enjoy doing that. Therefore I try to make the effort to do that for him with a glad heart. It's an opportunity for me to love him in a way he speaks love.

It's funny how perspectives change when the circumstances change. I didn't realize the value in this type of work until I got married. God's really been working on me in regards to my role as a Proverbs 31 woman. Ladies it is hard work! There is a great deal of expectations for us to meet. There are days of great triumph... and days of catastrophic failure (maybe I'm being a tad bit dramatic here, but hey it's my blog and I can be dramatic if I want to.) Lol!

 I'm really looking forward to what this next year will bring. Hopefully the "big" changes will settle down for a bit. Right now we are focusing on getting involved in our church home and building our community here. I'm working on making new friends, which is hard when you are out of your comfort zone. I know that being out of our comfort zones brings about much growth.

Anyway, I better get off of here and get a GREAT night's rest!! I've been looking forward to a new blog post since I changed the look of my blog. I really like the look and feel of this theme.

Life is often bittersweet...

I really am pretty sure I'm one of the worst bloggers ever. I just often find that I don't want to sit and take the time to write out my thoughts. Though it ALWAYS makes me feel better when I do. So let's recap life...

I FINALLY am feeling much better. I think the last couple days have been the first in a VERY long time of no coughing. I actually was able to get off of all my over the counter allergy meds too! I know that was exciting. It has been a very long time of coughing. I basically got a sinus infection, bronchitis, etc... I got put on antibiotics and after 10 days of meds, I think it finally kicked it for me.

I took my ESL test. I felt like it was exceptionally difficult. I left that test feeling so discouraged. There wasn't a clear feeling of whether I did well or not. That's such a tough feeling. I found out yesterday that I did pass! Praise the Lord! I know that He's gone before me in all things related to our move. It's so hard to trust Him. I'm in the process of studying for my content area. I have to pass all four subjects. For those that asked why.... I'm an elementary education major. That means I should be able to teach any subject 1-8 grade. In Texas my certification would be content areas 4-8. I could also add on content areas k-6, but I am more of an upper elementary/middle school teacher. This upcoming test is the last one I have to pass. I have until January 1 to pass in order to keep my job. That's why I'm such a stressball about the whole thing. It's hard to have that deadline put on me. I haven't looked at Science or Social Studies in about 12 years.... yeah... I have to study....  A LOT! Prayers for this test are welcomed. Thank you for those who have been prayer warriors for me in this transition of my life.

Ok so many of you asked what happened to my sweet Bella. I went home last weekend. We didn't know that she was sick or in this case dying. Anyway, when we came in the door Friday night she cried with excitement to see me. She was wagging and excited to see us. At some point that night I went and laid on the couch and snuggled with her. She thumped her tail while I laid there and pet her. It was a sweet moment that I got to have with her. Saturday she seemed fine. We were in and out all day running errands for daddy. We had company that night and of course Bella seemed fine. Her and Katie were around begging for food. Sunday she seemed to be moving slower. Bella was about 10 years old, so we didn't think much about it. I noticed at some point she had trouble with her back left leg. She just kind of stayed propped up on the couch resting most of the day. She wouldn't even jump up in the recliner to sit with me (now I know she really couldn't). We talked a bit and rationalized what the issue could be. At some point I was sitting with dad and watching some tv. Bella got off the couch from her usual spot and sat on the cushions (where we'd sit) instead of the back of the couch. I was sharing some chips with Katie girl and Bella wouldn't really come over to eat some too. I would toss them to where she was laying and she enjoyed them too. About the time we were getting ready to leave, she hopped up to the back of the couch (her spot). I scratched her ears and kissed her bye, knowing that I'd be seeing her next weekend as we passed back by on our way in from Baton Rouge. I got a call from Dad on Monday afternoon. He was at the emergency vet with Bella. I was being informed that he had to make the decision to put her down. Later on after I got all the facts, this is what it boiled down to. Bella had a tumor that ruptured and caused internal bleeding in her spleen (I'm pretty sure that's where it was). Surgery wasn't an option as it would spread. They could have siphoned the blood out of the spleen and injected it back in, but it wouldn't fix the problem. Earlier that morning Bella had several episodes that appeared to be "seizures". They weren't actually seizures, but it was what it looked like was happening to her. That's when dad got her to the vet. He stayed with her as the vet put her down. I'm so thankful that I was not there to have to see my baby girl suffer like that. It breaks my heart to think about that happening to her. I raised her from a pink bellied little puppy. Bella was such a good dog. She made an excellent companion and brought a lot of joy to our family. She was a good companion for my dad when he was healing from his surgeries. She brought a great deal of joy to us both. So that's the gist of what happened to our sweet girl. She's not suffering and had a wonderful quality of life. I'm thankful that she was a part of my life.

This past weekend was great. I got to see several people from home. It was so different coming back. Life is much slower paced in Lake Charles. Honestly I miss that. I told Jacob I want to retire where it's slow like that. It was good getting to see our friends from Sunday School. It's hard to believe I've been "gone" for as long as I have. It's been good to move and get out of my comfort zone. It's hard! I think the Lord has really used this move to grow me closer to Him. I've seen His hand in everything though. I've seen Him working in all things. He's gone before us on so many things. Learning to trust in Him and relinquish control has been VERY hard. Even though I know I'm not in control, but I sure like to think that I am.

We are coming up on our 1 year anniversary. It's crazy to think it's already been a year. There has been a great deal of growing together on both of our parts. I know the Lord has REALLY been working with me on communication. If anyone asks me how married life is, my response is "hard work"! Everyday we have to work together to do what's best for the team. Life can be really hard, but I sure am thankful that I have Jacob in it with me. He's such a good fit for me. He's my best friend, my companion, my confident, and the love of my life. I'm so blessed to spend my life with him.

Anyway, I better get off of here and do some studying.

All Things New

So I'm a terrible blogger. Honestly I just haven't really felt like I could focus. Last week we had family come and visit. It was a great time! I loved watching Jacob interact with the kids. It was fun to spend time with the family. We spent the one day at the beach. *Insert one of the most awful sunburns here* My legs were ON FIRE and not because I worked out! I now have a very "interesting" tan starting to form. I don't think there's any way to "even" out this tan. lol We took the kids to the Rainforest Cafe. They really enjoyed it. Of course we did too! It's neat to experience life through the eyes of kids. We took them to Moody Gardens. We toured the aquarium and the rainforest. I LOVE the aquarium! It's my favorite. We also got to watch a Great White Shark 3D movie. It felt like Shark Week all over again. lol

This past weekend was restful. We got to spend some time winding down. We had a surprise visit from Sandi and her husband. It was so good to see them! Church was great on Sunday. We made some pepper jelly Sunday afternoon. All in all it was a pretty good weekend.

Yesterday was my first new teacher orientation. I spent about 5 hours in training. We got our id badges. I need to find me a fancy new lanyard for my badge. lol We got our tablets that we use in the classroom. I'll be learning a Dell tablet. Thankfully it's Windows 10, so I have some experience with it. It will definitely be a change from being so iPad based. That's what makes me a diverse tech teacher right?

As with everything else that's new, I'll have to learn a new platform for our webpages. The district I'm in doesn't use Blackboard. They use It's Learning, so that will be a new challenge. Also I'll have to learn more about OneNote and how to incorporate that into my classroom more. I'm exited because my district is a 1:1 and so we will have technology available. It's funny how different things feel as you are learning a new place, new rules, new procedures, etc... It's not bad to challenge and grow ourselves, but it new and scary at the same time. 

My sinuses are killing me.... Ok not really, but it sure feels like they are kicking my butt! I went to the doctor again yesterday. He gave me an antibiotic and I'm praying it kicks this sinus junk. I'm tired of coughing... It's been going on for a long time. 

On a good note, I'm making new friends. I am really excited about that. I don't want to replace my other friends, but in a city where you don't know anyone is lonely. Community is so important and I'm so glad that God is putting people in my path. I'm thankful for my new developing friendships. Also for the most part my new school is similar to my previous school. I'm thankful that it's not completely different and I hope that I'll be able to find myself in this new family. 

My husband will laugh at me when he reads this part. So lately laundry has been the thorn in my side. It is NEVERENDING! As soon as the basket gets empty, it slowly starts to fill up again. I know... I know... try having kids and their laundry, etc... I don't know why the laundry chore has been driving me bonkers lately. I mean it's not hard, it's just always there.... looming... from the laundry basket.... calling to you that the chore is still not complete. Yesterday I was really frustrated about it, but today I'm trying to find the humor in it. I'm pretty sure that the Lord is working on me in regards to counting it all joy (Brother Don would be proud)! This first year of marriage has been a difficult one. It is hard to try to find out your purpose or role in the home. I know for me it's been a roller coaster. I feel like I put so much stock in allowing my job to define me as a person, that I didn't really see who the Lord defined me as. Can I say how convicting and difficult that is?! I spent the first part of this year really trying to figure out what's my job. When I was faced with having to resign my teaching job and seek a new job, I struggled. I was heartbroken. How was I going to contribute to the family? What if I wasn't bringing in money? Didn't that make me less of a person? The answer is no! I have found that as a wife, my priorities have changed. While I don't LOVE doing chores and keeping up the home, I know it's an important role for me to fulfill. It makes a happy home for my husband. His job is to provide and my job is to manage. Once we had our respective roles, things just started falling into place. My job isn't to provide the money for our family. It doesn't hurt when I'm bringing some in and contributing to the bills, it's not my main role. My role is to take care of what my husband is providing and that includes our home. It even includes the dreaded laundry. lol! I have found that my husband comes home happy when the home is in order. I don't always have it together. There are some days he comes home and I haven't even touched the stuff that needed to be done. He's told me countless times that it means a great deal to him that I'm trying and making the effort. My heart has been changing so much in the last year. God has REALLY been doing a work in giving me clear direction on what a wife looks like and what her role is. I've gained a new respect for all the homemakers out there! Taking care of a home is a full time job! Paying bills, running errands, cleaning the home, taking care of the kids, taking care of the spouse, cooking meals, etc... All of that is so important and boy it seems to never end. I've also learned that managing the home doesn't mean I have to do it all. That last line has been so vital in my discovery. While my job is to manage, it isn't to do it all. Sometimes that means I have to ask my husband to come along side me and help or take care of tasks I simply can't get done. It really does give me some relief to know that I don't have to do it all by myself. 

I laugh sometimes when I reflect because I would like to think by 35 I'd have a clue about life. Often times I think God gets the laugh because He has yet another area of my life to work on. I know it's a lifelong journey. I'm thankful that He's taking the time to change my heart and show me what my real purpose is and who I am in Him. I'm so thankful that He has brought me to this place in life where I can look back and see that all the growing pains of the last year were worth it. He is the God of the mountains just like He's the God of the valleys. That promise is so near and dear to my heart. 

Well I think I got a bit more deep than I anticipated. However I promised that I would share my journey and transition. Blogging is good for me. It gives me a place to put down my thoughts. I think when I look back I'll be so glad to see how God will grow me. I remember the words to Hillsong's Oceans really penetrating my heart on this journey. I remember crying them out to the Lord. I guess He was listening! 

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

[6x]
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you're my God!

I will call upon Your name"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

[6x]

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you're my God!

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Week 1

It's week 1 and I'm still going strong. It kind of makes me sound like I'm on a diet or something. I've survived my first week after moving. So after being down with the crud and napping all the time, I have finally bounced back. This weekend we shopped for a new mattress. It is weird to lay on the beds in the middle of the store. I learned that you have to lay there for about 10-15 minutes to have a good "idea" about the mattress. Shopping for a mattress when it's just you is pretty easy, but when you have to consider both of you and your styles... that makes it a little more tricky. Thankfully we managed to agree on a bed and get out of the store feeling great about our purchase. Day 2 and sleeping like a champ! I think we take for granted how important it is to have a decent mattress and how much better you feel when you sleep soundly at night.

This weekend we went to Crystal beach to visit some family. We left early Sunday afternoon for what should have been about an hour commute.... Not on this weekend... It was longer than the three hour tour. Once we arrived at our destination, we visited with family. Enjoyed some jalapeno poppers and cheeseburgers. I made a new Weight Watcher's dessert. It is a wonderful summertime recipe. It is Raspberry Walnut bars.They were super good, traveled well, and didn't make us feel guilty for eating them. I'll post it on Keeling's Kitchen soon. 

Yesterday we got to relax. Actually relax and "do nothing". It was a lazy day. Well not really lazy, but it sounds good right? I monogrammed backpacks and beach towels for the kids. They are coming next week and we are taking them to the beach. I hope they LOVE their bags. We filled them with all kinds of goodies. I think as long as we remembered the fruit chews, we are a pretty jam up aunt and uncle. It's the small things in life. 

Today I went to Seabrook and got to see my new classroom. I met some of the 7th grade ELA teachers. I was given many books to read and some professional development things to look in to. I was guided on how to find my email! Can I say how dumb I felt? I'm a techie person, but sure didn't know how to navigate the new interface. I have to learn a new webpage management software as they don't use Blackboard in this district. Hopefully it will be an easy transition. The students definitely seemed ready to get out for summer. I'm looking forward to this new challenge. It's a bit overwhelming, but it'll be great. I signed up for my last 2 test today. I take one in June and one in July. Please keep me in your prayers. I hate testing about as much as the next person, but I'm on a deadline and would LOVE to have these tests done and not hanging over my head all year. 

Anyway all in all it's been a pretty good week. It's HOT here! I mean HOOOOOOOTTTTTTT! I lived in Lake Charles, but this is much hotter. lol! I'm looking forward to a shopping visit with family this week and mini vacation with the kids next week. Things have started picking up the pace as each day of summer rolls on by. 

Welcome to Texas

Welcome to Texas! This sign held a new meaning for me this round as I passed the state line from Louisiana into Texas. I'm pleased to say we got internet yesterday and I feel as though I've entered the land of the living again. I've been waiting to blog so I could sort through all my thoughts and feelings and today I found myself wanting to avoid it. Sometimes it is easier to not have to deal with the real deep stuff going on right? However I promised my husband that I would work on making time to journal the transition I'm experiencing in order to see the growth that took place over the course of this upcoming year. 

I'm so glad to have had our stuff moved here and put away before I got home for good. That was a blessing. It's nice to be able to come in and just relax. I moved the last of the boxes to storage as well as cleaned out my school stuff from the car. It was nice to get things squared away. I think I needed to feel like I made the apartment "home". I've been told it's like nesting, but I like to have things put away and the woman's touch on the place. I don't think my husband minds. I'm sure it's a tad amusing. 

Ok so how's Texas so far? Well.... I started off by visiting the local urgent care. I can honestly say they were super nice. I'm trying to get rid of this stupid sinus cough. The steroid shot has been keeping me restless at night. I hope that today is the day I get to crash and sleep like a champion. I hate not being able to sleep at night. 

I got my teacher planner this week. School supplies make me happy! Anyway, I found the school calendar for next year and wrote in the few holidays we get off. Boy Texas sure does it much different than Louisiana. We aren't off for many vacation days during the school year. I am excited to meet with some of the staff next week at my new school. I think it will give me some normalcy to feel like I'm getting my feet wet and figuring out what the next year will hold. 

I realized that I lost all my teacher resources from my Blackboard site. So I set up a symbaloo account and started retracing my technology resources. It's actually a pretty neat pinboard for websites and such. After reaching out to my fellow colleagues, I was able to begin adding to my technology resources. It's so different planning for a non ipad type classroom. My students will have a tablet, but I'm moving more to Web 2.0 tools. Thankfully I've had training on all types of technology tools, so I can integrate technology easier into my future classroom. 

While refreshing some of my technology tools, I had to change my school for Class Dojo. I've been a mentor for a couple of years and I was concerned about losing my status with moving schools. I put in a simple email and viola! Class Dojo Mentor status is restored. It's the little things in life that helps contribute to the normalcy of adjusting to change. 

I spent the better part of my morning organizing my embroidery files. I did that for several hours until my eyes were ready to shut down. I have 2 folders FULL of  designs left to categorize. I will be super glad that I did this right? After a peanut butter and homemade plum jelly (don't knock it until you try it!) sandwich, I settled down for a much needed nap. My mind was so glad to have a break to unwind. My husband asks what do I do when I first get out of school.... my answer.... nothing.... literally nothing. There is something so draining about winding down the school year. I haven't been as productive as I wanted to be, but most of the house was already put together for me. I caught up on laundry. All my married friends with kids.... I get it now! Laundry is the one chore that is NEVER complete. There is always one more load to do or another one building. It's almost like waiting for a resolution, but instead it's in a constant state of rising action in the plot line of chore life. 

Today was a soggy day. It was PERFECT stay home and rest/nap weather. Honestly I'm thankful for a stocked freezer and pantry where I could plan a meal without having to leave the house. Maybe today was the first real lazy day I've had. Just winding down in time to rest for the weekend. Lol! That's real life right? 

I'm really excited about sewing this summer. I am collecting patterns from the 2016 Row by Row Experience. If you sew, check out the link - http://www.rowbyrowexperience.com/. I plan to make stops by local quilt shops when we do a little light travel this summer. I think this will be a great resource and learning tool. I'm eager to check out the two quilt shops near me: Painted Pony and Pinwheels and Posies. I hope to take some classes and gain some more skills. I know that I have a sewing class with Grandmother to teach me how to make a bed skirt for my bed. I'm pretty stoked about that as I need a split bed skirt and they are hard to find. Why not learn to make my own right? 

Well it's time I get off of here. I have to start getting dinner put together and in the oven so my husband has a hot meal to come home to. It really makes me feel good taking care of him again.... it's good to be home with my husband and taking care of our home.