Even if.... My hope is in You!

Mountains are beautiful. We step back, observe them, and there's a sort of splendor about them. The time it took for them to be created. The reason they are in the location that they are in. How things around them seem to grow and add to the beauty of the mountain scene. Taking pictures of landscapes and nature is one of my favorites. *I didn't take this picture, just for the record. Anyway, I think about how when we are not climbing the mountain our perspective is so much different. It's so easy to look at things with a good spirit and happy heart/mind, when you aren't struggling up the mountain. 

I've been looking for words, images, perspective over the past week. Last week at the doctor, I was told that I would have to see a fertility specialist if we hoped to conceive our own child. My ovaries are not ovulating. Immediately I felt broken, downtrodden, and even a bit of worthlessness. I should be able to "have my own kids". I should be able to "do it". Those of you who know the full depth of my story from being single to getting married, can sit back and smile because you've seen God's hand in all of it. I also can look back and count my many blessings. Things happened they way they were supposed to. Things happened for a reason. God's timing isn't my timing. All of those sayings ring true. They are meaningful. After hearing the words fertility specialist.... it is almost as if I didn't really hear anything else. I know some of you may be sitting here shaking your head with me. They didn't tell me it was hopeless, they didn't tell me I couldn't conceive, they didn't tell me I had to have a hysterectomy and wouldn't be able to conceive.... I feel like the list can go on and on. 

I wallowed and drowned a bit in my thoughts and emotions. There are positives and negatives in not being a "fast" processor. When it comes to stuff like this, I feel like it takes me a LONG time to figure it out. So we know that God goes before us on many things. Sometimes we don't always see it or feel it, but we can look back later and see that He did. God went before me on this one. We haven't started trying yet, we were just getting things in order to begin trying for a family. God went before me and saved me heartache and disappointment in not being able to conceive. I can see that. I acknowledge that. I was told that my blood sugar was normal, which means I didn't have diabetes. That's great! Especially since it runs in my family. I can see the blessing there. My thyroid was functioning properly. Again, it was great news! I feel like I see blessings in it, but I now see the big mountain in the way. Part of the mountain was put there by me. I'm not in control. God has gone before me trying to break me down from that too. I feel like that's going to be the thing He works on me for a LONG time, not being in control. Our sermon the week before I found out was spot on and perfect timing. God's perfect timing, of course. It parallels with the lyrics to the Mercy Me song Even If. 

Even If - Mercy Me

They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some

And right now, right now I'm losing bad

I've stood on this stage night after night

Reminding the broken it'll be alright

But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith is all I have, right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Oh give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

‘Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

The parts of the lyrics in bold have really spoken to me in all of this. God goes before us in all things. He works everything out for His plan according to His design. That's so hard to wrap my human finite mind around sometimes. We pray for healing from the pain and for Him to take it away. Sometimes that's not the answer He wants to give us. Sometimes He doesn't move the mountain. He can, He will, but even if He doesn't. I want to be able to sing "It is well with my soul." Gosh the tears stream down my face every time I try to bring myself to sing those words. Am I ready to really say it is well? The selfish part of me says no! I'm just being honest and transparent. God can allow us to conceive, but He may choose not to let us. Can I sit here and say it is well with my soul if He doesn't move this mountain? 

I feel like that's the question that resonates. Sometimes God teaches us a lesson in being willing to trust Him no matter what the outcome is. He may not continue to leave the mountain in our way, but He wants us to be able to follow Him and put our whole trust in Him, not in ourselves. It's so hard! I feel like we are trying to climb the mountain that's right in the way of the path. We can't go around it and pretend it's not there. There is no bypassing this mountain. I think back to all the "little" mounds/mountains that God put in my path before this one. The testing that was meant to "get me in shape for this climb". I laugh sometimes because I can see how "small" those other mountains seemed to be. As we grow in the Christian faith, I feel like there are times the mountains just keep getting bigger and bigger. It is all for His glory! My sweet husband reminds me of this on a regular basis. If we are blessed with a baby, it will be on God's time and He WILL get the glory! At the end of the day, the glory is His. Sometimes it feels like if we'd acknowledge this sooner, than maybe we can sprint up the mountain. Unfortunately, I don't think it works that way. I would think that the sooner we accept and relinquish control, the easier it is to breathe as we "pace ourselves" up the mountain. Clearly I'm not a mountain climber and may have butchered this metaphor, but I feel like I get the premise of being able to breath (yay Cardio). 

I don't want to feel like a victim in this testing phase of my life. Oh but it's so easy to wallow and drown in the muck. I sometimes have a hard time telling if something is an attack, or just an opportunity from the Lord for growth. Maybe they kind of go hand in hand at times. God's been breaking me down quite a bit over the last couple of years. I never knew how much growing would take place after getting married. The stripping down of the past, the hurts, the walls that were built up, the apathetic mentality. God has blasted most of that away quickly. lol I can laugh now, because it's not my "current" source of growing pains. I remember telling my husband on multiple occasions that I was so tired of growing. That growing was painful! Well it still is, but it doesn't kill us. Some growth strips us down to the point that we question is He really there. 

God's been faithful in my life. He's there, all the time. Even when it feels like He's not there, He is. I feel like I've been growing a lot in my faith and relationship with the Lord. I guess that's what made me question if it was a spiritual attack or not. I think part of it is. I do believe that God is teaching me through this mountain trek. I read a devotional that said God is the God of the valleys, just like He's the God of the mountains. He's God through all of it! That's a promise to hold on to. My prayer is that I don't get in the way of this mountain and diminish God's glory. I don't want my selfish nature to get into the way. I don't want to have control of it. That's personal growth for me to say! I'm sure my husband would smile after seeing that sentence. I don't want this to hinder my ministry, but to grow it instead. I want God to be able to use this trail for me to minister to others. That means that I have to be focused in the right way. Trusting that He is in control. Trusting that He has my best interest at heart. Someone mentioned that if He loved us enough to sacrifice Himself on the cross and die in the place of our sins, why would He not be there in this trail? I think I forget to come to him with a reverent spirit. Remembering what He's done on the cross for me. The life that He allows me to live, should be bringing glory to Him. It's not about me, it's about God. When the perspective is put into place, you begin to realize what's really important. This is another opportunity for God to "show off". If He so chooses to do that. If He chooses not to move the mountain, I want to be able to say with my whole heart that "It is well with my soul". If He chooses not to allow us to conceive but to adopt instead, I want to be able to say that "it is well with my soul" and all the glory belongs to Him. 

Crying out to the Lord

It's not my normal first reaction to cry out to the Lord when things go wrong. I fret, panic and wallow in my emotions. I get bogged down and feel as though I'm drowning in my emotions. The enemy wins that way. He wins that way... every time. Until I finally reach the point of understanding, stop and realize what's really happening. The enemy wins when I fail to call out to God. He wins when I wallow in my own emotions and get so bogged down. Ouch! That's a stinging truth there. There are going to be hard times. There are going to be times that we should fall on our faces and cry out to the Lord. There are times when we don't and "deal" with it ourselves. I use that term loosely. For me, it's not that I usually "deal" with it. It seems as though I bury it instead. 

One of my friends told me she appreciated how emotionally raw I was. Being raw is painful and uncomfortable. It's hard to be transparent... especially when things are not all sunshine and rainbows. It's hard to open up your heart and share your emotions and deepest thoughts about things, especially when all you want to do is deal with them bury them.  

Today I missed my mom terribly. I wanted nothing more than to call her and talk to her about all the emotional stuff I was feeling. I don't know that she would have spoken the words that I needed to hear, but I sure felt like I needed her. I had an appointment with the OBGYN today. I got off birth control in January in attempts to see if I was having a normal cycle on my own. At some point in the past I was told I had PCOS, which makes ovulating difficult. So I've lived for quite sometime thinking I had this. It didn't really become a reality until today.... when I was sent to go have lab work done to test my "levels". Five vials of blood later and a week of waiting. Then the results were in. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. 

Who is really in control?

I'm pretty sure I'm the worst blogger, ever. I have good intentions of blogging on a regular basis, but then by the end of the day I'm tired. School's been kicking my butt lately. The kids have been wearing me down. I feel like a fort with weakened defenses. I'm not in control.... I'm not in control... I'm not in control. I feel like my bucket is empty. I've been pouring out everything I can on the kids. They've been taking from me emotionally what I don't have to give them. My mind is constantly swimming with the what ifs of teaching life. I'm weary..... I'm worn..... I have a couple of students who are constantly in combative mode with me. It's so hard to "fight" them. I feel like a brand new teacher.... again. It feels wrong to feel that way. Like why do I feel so new after 12 years of experience? I should have all of this down right? My Humanities coach reminds me on a regular basis that when you move schools, you are a new teacher. I've been so overwhelmed with my job that I feel like it's spilling out everywhere in all the emotional areas of my life. It's funny how you can seem to have it all together, but feel like you are all out of sorts underneath it all. I do have a good handle on most things, but I FEEL like I don't. I'm sure most of it is unnecessary pressure that I place upon myself. Those of you who know me, can attest to this statement. I have unrealistic expectations for myself! My former youth pastor used to remind me on a regular basis that "All you can do is all you can do, and all you can do is good enough."

Why do I fight this so much? Why do I feel like I'm not doing a "good enough" job? My administration seems happy with my performance. My coach gives me the pat on the back telling me I'm doing a good job. My students seem to be getting some wealth of knowledge from me. Even if it is learning to say yes ma'am and stop arguing.... I'm tired.... I feel so unsure footed all of the time... I'm not in control. Really the last line is the root of it all. I AM NOT IN CONTROL!  As a teacher who "thrives" on feeling like I'm in control, it's so humbling and crushing to feel like you aren't. To recognize that in the big scheme of life, I'm not the one in control. I think about the song from Natalie Grant... "When did I forget that You've always been the King of the World?" God is in control. If I'm not "giving" Him control, He will find a way to remind me that He is. It's almost comical at the insanity of trying to be in control. My husband reminds me on a frequent basis that I'm really not in control. I don't run the show.... God really has the whole thing taken care of.

At times I feel like my emotional cup is full and threatening to spill over at any moment. One more drop of liquid and it will all come splashing over the sides. Earlier on in my marriage my husband used this visual picture to help me to realize the importance of the emptying of the emotional cup. Not to let it get so full that one more drop will cause the overflow. Blogging/Journaling is my chance to sort through my thoughts. I don't process fast enough. I don't let things go fast enough. I stew and simmer on them until I feel like I've dealt with or sorted through the issues. This of course has it's advantages and disadvantages. It's good to have time of reflection and sorting. Unfortunately, I haven't actually been sorting through and emptying my emotional cup. I don't want to journal. I don't want to "deal" with what's going on. I can handle it.... I'm in control. Then I'm reminded again... that I'm not. I'm reminded that God is. I am super thankful that He is and can do a much better job than I ever could. Boy it's so hard to die to self and the sinful nature. I never realize how bad my "need" for control was such a sin. It's a pride thing... I've got this, I can do this, etc...  Pride..... I didn't really think this was an area of struggle for me. Not that I didn't have prideful moments... usually those ended rather terribly, so I tried to avoid pride. Thinking I'm in control and relying on my own strength for me is a sin. It's me saying I don't need to depend on God. How dumb is that?! I think after all these years, I'd realize my need to depend on Him for everything. I wonder if it's part of the sinful nature. I notice that when I'm supposed to depend on my husband, I struggle. If he suggests I do something my immediate reaction is that I don't want to be told what to do! Ack! When did I become that person? That's the part of marriage that I don't think people really prepare you for. God breaking you down and showing you... the woman... that you aren't in control. Ouch! That stings a bit when it's verbalized. My husband even has a degree of authority that I don't.

I've been overwhelmed with so much of the social media stuff that I've been reading lately. Honestly, it makes me want to take a break from Facebook. I understand where women are coming from in regards to having equality etc... I get the message. I hear what is being said. Then I have to step back from the world and take a look at what the bible tells us. God's design for marriage was that the man is the head, the leader. He is the one to bear the struggles and burdens of provision and making sure that he's leading the family in a Godly way. Now that I'm married, I get just how important that role is. I also see how much I don't want it! I'm not meant to be in the position. I'm not meant to bear that burden by myself. I do my part to help my husband bear that burden, but it's not my burden to bear. God has another position of leadership for me, to manage my home. Management is a tough role to play as well. It requires much from me as a woman. I have to die to self on a regular basis. I have to fight my sinful nature to be in control of it all. (See the common theme popping up here... control... and who really has it). God gives us a spouse as a helpmate. Help means that you don't do it all alone... you are not the only one responsible. You can't do it by yourself! Ack! The very words that sting me to the core. I can't do it by myself. I have to see help. I can't control every situation. I'm not in control. I'm not in control. God is in control of it all! Thankfully He is in control of it all and I'm not.