Who is really in control?

I'm pretty sure I'm the worst blogger, ever. I have good intentions of blogging on a regular basis, but then by the end of the day I'm tired. School's been kicking my butt lately. The kids have been wearing me down. I feel like a fort with weakened defenses. I'm not in control.... I'm not in control... I'm not in control. I feel like my bucket is empty. I've been pouring out everything I can on the kids. They've been taking from me emotionally what I don't have to give them. My mind is constantly swimming with the what ifs of teaching life. I'm weary..... I'm worn..... I have a couple of students who are constantly in combative mode with me. It's so hard to "fight" them. I feel like a brand new teacher.... again. It feels wrong to feel that way. Like why do I feel so new after 12 years of experience? I should have all of this down right? My Humanities coach reminds me on a regular basis that when you move schools, you are a new teacher. I've been so overwhelmed with my job that I feel like it's spilling out everywhere in all the emotional areas of my life. It's funny how you can seem to have it all together, but feel like you are all out of sorts underneath it all. I do have a good handle on most things, but I FEEL like I don't. I'm sure most of it is unnecessary pressure that I place upon myself. Those of you who know me, can attest to this statement. I have unrealistic expectations for myself! My former youth pastor used to remind me on a regular basis that "All you can do is all you can do, and all you can do is good enough."

Why do I fight this so much? Why do I feel like I'm not doing a "good enough" job? My administration seems happy with my performance. My coach gives me the pat on the back telling me I'm doing a good job. My students seem to be getting some wealth of knowledge from me. Even if it is learning to say yes ma'am and stop arguing.... I'm tired.... I feel so unsure footed all of the time... I'm not in control. Really the last line is the root of it all. I AM NOT IN CONTROL!  As a teacher who "thrives" on feeling like I'm in control, it's so humbling and crushing to feel like you aren't. To recognize that in the big scheme of life, I'm not the one in control. I think about the song from Natalie Grant... "When did I forget that You've always been the King of the World?" God is in control. If I'm not "giving" Him control, He will find a way to remind me that He is. It's almost comical at the insanity of trying to be in control. My husband reminds me on a frequent basis that I'm really not in control. I don't run the show.... God really has the whole thing taken care of.

At times I feel like my emotional cup is full and threatening to spill over at any moment. One more drop of liquid and it will all come splashing over the sides. Earlier on in my marriage my husband used this visual picture to help me to realize the importance of the emptying of the emotional cup. Not to let it get so full that one more drop will cause the overflow. Blogging/Journaling is my chance to sort through my thoughts. I don't process fast enough. I don't let things go fast enough. I stew and simmer on them until I feel like I've dealt with or sorted through the issues. This of course has it's advantages and disadvantages. It's good to have time of reflection and sorting. Unfortunately, I haven't actually been sorting through and emptying my emotional cup. I don't want to journal. I don't want to "deal" with what's going on. I can handle it.... I'm in control. Then I'm reminded again... that I'm not. I'm reminded that God is. I am super thankful that He is and can do a much better job than I ever could. Boy it's so hard to die to self and the sinful nature. I never realize how bad my "need" for control was such a sin. It's a pride thing... I've got this, I can do this, etc...  Pride..... I didn't really think this was an area of struggle for me. Not that I didn't have prideful moments... usually those ended rather terribly, so I tried to avoid pride. Thinking I'm in control and relying on my own strength for me is a sin. It's me saying I don't need to depend on God. How dumb is that?! I think after all these years, I'd realize my need to depend on Him for everything. I wonder if it's part of the sinful nature. I notice that when I'm supposed to depend on my husband, I struggle. If he suggests I do something my immediate reaction is that I don't want to be told what to do! Ack! When did I become that person? That's the part of marriage that I don't think people really prepare you for. God breaking you down and showing you... the woman... that you aren't in control. Ouch! That stings a bit when it's verbalized. My husband even has a degree of authority that I don't.

I've been overwhelmed with so much of the social media stuff that I've been reading lately. Honestly, it makes me want to take a break from Facebook. I understand where women are coming from in regards to having equality etc... I get the message. I hear what is being said. Then I have to step back from the world and take a look at what the bible tells us. God's design for marriage was that the man is the head, the leader. He is the one to bear the struggles and burdens of provision and making sure that he's leading the family in a Godly way. Now that I'm married, I get just how important that role is. I also see how much I don't want it! I'm not meant to be in the position. I'm not meant to bear that burden by myself. I do my part to help my husband bear that burden, but it's not my burden to bear. God has another position of leadership for me, to manage my home. Management is a tough role to play as well. It requires much from me as a woman. I have to die to self on a regular basis. I have to fight my sinful nature to be in control of it all. (See the common theme popping up here... control... and who really has it). God gives us a spouse as a helpmate. Help means that you don't do it all alone... you are not the only one responsible. You can't do it by yourself! Ack! The very words that sting me to the core. I can't do it by myself. I have to see help. I can't control every situation. I'm not in control. I'm not in control. God is in control of it all! Thankfully He is in control of it all and I'm not.