Some days you just need a warm brownie and a scoop of ice cream. Today was one of those days. So this morning was kind of the climax of my studying adventures over the transition from Louisiana to Texas. I spoke to a friend and my dad this morning for a "pep talk" prior to going in and taking the test. I got to the campus and went to the correct building as this was not my first rodeo there. Thankfully I was more confident in the fact that I knew where to go. I want to take a moment to thank all my friends for the messages, texts, posts on my fb page, and especially for ALL the much needed prayers.
After my paper license fiasco, I was finally seated in front of the computer that would become my best friend for potentially the next 5 hours. I worked my way through the ELA questions. When I got to about 60 my eyes were starting to blur. I finished the 74 questions before the time was "over" for that test. I plowed on into math next. I had one hour and five minutes for 45 questions. After I got to the second question, I wanted to panic. This test was CRAZY hard and had stuff on there I've never seen! I wanted to beat up the calculator. I normally use the number pad on the keyboard to type in numbers when using the calculator online. Oh but no.... that is NOT the way this one worked. It was slowing me down so much to click in the numbers. I was ready to "throw the calculator out of the window". I managed to complete the test with only 4 minutes to spare. Math was going to be the death of me today, or so I thought. Social studies was the next subject to tackle. I had 50 minutes to answer 45 questions. I prayed to the Lord that I would be able to insert some common sense somewhere in there. It felt like the questions didn't even give me that option. I'm not sure how I survived that test, but I'm also not too certain how well I did. Social studies is NOT my strong suit. Then came Science. Another 50 minutes to answer 45 questions. At this point I feel it important to mention that my stomach was growling so loud during three of the four tests. I was STARVING!!! I occasionally looked at the girl next to me to see if my stomach was distracting her. Thankfully it wasn't. I could have taken a break that totaled up to 15 minutes. I figured at that point it didn't matter and I should just keep "running" through the test. Meanwhile back to Science..... There were many things that I studied and I hoped to see that material on the test. Of course you know how that goes.... not really much was there. Again I prayed for common sense in guessing/answering because at this point I'm not real sure what was happening. I finished the test, handed over my scratch paper, and left the building.
I made it to my car and then cried. I'm not sure if it was out of frustration or just relief that this testing process could potentially be over. Heck it could have been both for all I know. I paid my for my parking and got on the road to head home. When I got home I was at a loss for how to feel. Honestly I didn't leave the test feeling like I did that great. I really am praying that the odds are in my favor. I hate to say that, but the confidence isn't really there. This test was hard. I told Jacob that I felt there was NO WAY that I could possibly know "everything" that they would pull from. I mean you are summarizing content areas into 45 questions! It's the luck of the draw at that point. Oh and don't get me started on how terrible I think Texas history went down. I read a bunch of stuff and NONE of that was on the test either! ACK!!!
Here's the skinny on my stress about this test.... I have until January 1st to complete my certification and have my official Texas teaching certificate or my contract is null and void and I'll be terminated. Yes, you read that correctly.... terminated... let go... job less.... in the middle of the school year. I've NEVER been fired from a job in my life. So needless to say this has put the pressure on me. I have to pass all four subjects individually in order to get my certificate. I wish there was a total scaled score, but I think they did away with that type of scoring in the last couple of years. At this point it is, what it is. I have to have my ESL certification by February 1st, but thankfully I've passed that one. Anyway back to the content area. If I don't pass, I have to wait 45 days to retake the test. Thankfully I only have to take the subjects that I didn't pass. The issue is that it only gives me like 2 more tries before my "deadline".
I'm worried about it. I am stressed about it. I feel inadequate because I am terrible at social studies (and apparently math and science). Hopefully I passed ELA at least. Everyone says "you'll be great!", "you've got this!", "this is no problem for you." I ask myself the question what if I don't have this? What if I don't pass the test? What if I can't? I know... I know... that's Satan trying to bring me down. Guys... fear and doubt are awful! It is terrible to be so scared of failing. How do our kids feel when we put this kind of pressure on them? I mean it's crazy stressful. I think it was a reminder to me about how the students feel during testing time as well. Anyway, I'm so bogged down with the fear of failure on this one. I'm a teacher.... this is what I do... this is what I want to do. I really do enjoy teaching kids. I've already been trying to get excited about my new school, new class, new crop of kids, etc.... The fear of failing is always there in the back of my mind. I feel like this test was so much pressure on me. The need to pass and "move on" from the studying is so important to me. Of course you know how it is now... hurry up and wait. I have to wait several days for my scores to come in. Thankfully it's not 6 weeks like it used to be for the paper pencil type tests. I'll know by next week the verdict of my testing and my fate. I just want to see the word passed four times and I will feel like a champion.
I got my real Texas driver's license today, go figure! I ate a salad, cut out some school lamination stuff, and fixed myself a brownie. I do want to rejoice in the fact that the brownie sundae was totally weight watchers friendly, so I could eat it guilt free!
I know that God is not a God of fear. I know that he has called us to trust in Him. I'm working on it... It's a hard thing to do! I'm running out of mental steam. My brain is done and needs an opportunity to rest and rejuvenate.
