Mountains are beautiful. We step back, observe them, and there's a sort of splendor about them. The time it took for them to be created. The reason they are in the location that they are in. How things around them seem to grow and add to the beauty of the mountain scene. Taking pictures of landscapes and nature is one of my favorites. *I didn't take this picture, just for the record. Anyway, I think about how when we are not climbing the mountain our perspective is so much different. It's so easy to look at things with a good spirit and happy heart/mind, when you aren't struggling up the mountain.
I've been looking for words, images, perspective over the past week. Last week at the doctor, I was told that I would have to see a fertility specialist if we hoped to conceive our own child. My ovaries are not ovulating. Immediately I felt broken, downtrodden, and even a bit of worthlessness. I should be able to "have my own kids". I should be able to "do it". Those of you who know the full depth of my story from being single to getting married, can sit back and smile because you've seen God's hand in all of it. I also can look back and count my many blessings. Things happened they way they were supposed to. Things happened for a reason. God's timing isn't my timing. All of those sayings ring true. They are meaningful. After hearing the words fertility specialist.... it is almost as if I didn't really hear anything else. I know some of you may be sitting here shaking your head with me. They didn't tell me it was hopeless, they didn't tell me I couldn't conceive, they didn't tell me I had to have a hysterectomy and wouldn't be able to conceive.... I feel like the list can go on and on.
I wallowed and drowned a bit in my thoughts and emotions. There are positives and negatives in not being a "fast" processor. When it comes to stuff like this, I feel like it takes me a LONG time to figure it out. So we know that God goes before us on many things. Sometimes we don't always see it or feel it, but we can look back later and see that He did. God went before me on this one. We haven't started trying yet, we were just getting things in order to begin trying for a family. God went before me and saved me heartache and disappointment in not being able to conceive. I can see that. I acknowledge that. I was told that my blood sugar was normal, which means I didn't have diabetes. That's great! Especially since it runs in my family. I can see the blessing there. My thyroid was functioning properly. Again, it was great news! I feel like I see blessings in it, but I now see the big mountain in the way. Part of the mountain was put there by me. I'm not in control. God has gone before me trying to break me down from that too. I feel like that's going to be the thing He works on me for a LONG time, not being in control. Our sermon the week before I found out was spot on and perfect timing. God's perfect timing, of course. It parallels with the lyrics to the Mercy Me song Even If.
Even If - Mercy Me
They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't
It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
The parts of the lyrics in bold have really spoken to me in all of this. God goes before us in all things. He works everything out for His plan according to His design. That's so hard to wrap my human finite mind around sometimes. We pray for healing from the pain and for Him to take it away. Sometimes that's not the answer He wants to give us. Sometimes He doesn't move the mountain. He can, He will, but even if He doesn't. I want to be able to sing "It is well with my soul." Gosh the tears stream down my face every time I try to bring myself to sing those words. Am I ready to really say it is well? The selfish part of me says no! I'm just being honest and transparent. God can allow us to conceive, but He may choose not to let us. Can I sit here and say it is well with my soul if He doesn't move this mountain?
I feel like that's the question that resonates. Sometimes God teaches us a lesson in being willing to trust Him no matter what the outcome is. He may not continue to leave the mountain in our way, but He wants us to be able to follow Him and put our whole trust in Him, not in ourselves. It's so hard! I feel like we are trying to climb the mountain that's right in the way of the path. We can't go around it and pretend it's not there. There is no bypassing this mountain. I think back to all the "little" mounds/mountains that God put in my path before this one. The testing that was meant to "get me in shape for this climb". I laugh sometimes because I can see how "small" those other mountains seemed to be. As we grow in the Christian faith, I feel like there are times the mountains just keep getting bigger and bigger. It is all for His glory! My sweet husband reminds me of this on a regular basis. If we are blessed with a baby, it will be on God's time and He WILL get the glory! At the end of the day, the glory is His. Sometimes it feels like if we'd acknowledge this sooner, than maybe we can sprint up the mountain. Unfortunately, I don't think it works that way. I would think that the sooner we accept and relinquish control, the easier it is to breathe as we "pace ourselves" up the mountain. Clearly I'm not a mountain climber and may have butchered this metaphor, but I feel like I get the premise of being able to breath (yay Cardio).
I don't want to feel like a victim in this testing phase of my life. Oh but it's so easy to wallow and drown in the muck. I sometimes have a hard time telling if something is an attack, or just an opportunity from the Lord for growth. Maybe they kind of go hand in hand at times. God's been breaking me down quite a bit over the last couple of years. I never knew how much growing would take place after getting married. The stripping down of the past, the hurts, the walls that were built up, the apathetic mentality. God has blasted most of that away quickly. lol I can laugh now, because it's not my "current" source of growing pains. I remember telling my husband on multiple occasions that I was so tired of growing. That growing was painful! Well it still is, but it doesn't kill us. Some growth strips us down to the point that we question is He really there.
God's been faithful in my life. He's there, all the time. Even when it feels like He's not there, He is. I feel like I've been growing a lot in my faith and relationship with the Lord. I guess that's what made me question if it was a spiritual attack or not. I think part of it is. I do believe that God is teaching me through this mountain trek. I read a devotional that said God is the God of the valleys, just like He's the God of the mountains. He's God through all of it! That's a promise to hold on to. My prayer is that I don't get in the way of this mountain and diminish God's glory. I don't want my selfish nature to get into the way. I don't want to have control of it. That's personal growth for me to say! I'm sure my husband would smile after seeing that sentence. I don't want this to hinder my ministry, but to grow it instead. I want God to be able to use this trail for me to minister to others. That means that I have to be focused in the right way. Trusting that He is in control. Trusting that He has my best interest at heart. Someone mentioned that if He loved us enough to sacrifice Himself on the cross and die in the place of our sins, why would He not be there in this trail? I think I forget to come to him with a reverent spirit. Remembering what He's done on the cross for me. The life that He allows me to live, should be bringing glory to Him. It's not about me, it's about God. When the perspective is put into place, you begin to realize what's really important. This is another opportunity for God to "show off". If He so chooses to do that. If He chooses not to move the mountain, I want to be able to say with my whole heart that "It is well with my soul". If He chooses not to allow us to conceive but to adopt instead, I want to be able to say that "it is well with my soul" and all the glory belongs to Him.
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