It's not my normal first reaction to cry out to the Lord when things go wrong. I fret, panic and wallow in my emotions. I get bogged down and feel as though I'm drowning in my emotions. The enemy wins that way. He wins that way... every time. Until I finally reach the point of understanding, stop and realize what's really happening. The enemy wins when I fail to call out to God. He wins when I wallow in my own emotions and get so bogged down. Ouch! That's a stinging truth there. There are going to be hard times. There are going to be times that we should fall on our faces and cry out to the Lord. There are times when we don't and "deal" with it ourselves. I use that term loosely. For me, it's not that I usually "deal" with it. It seems as though I bury it instead.
One of my friends told me she appreciated how emotionally raw I was. Being raw is painful and uncomfortable. It's hard to be transparent... especially when things are not all sunshine and rainbows. It's hard to open up your heart and share your emotions and deepest thoughts about things, especially when all you want to do is deal with them bury them.
Today I missed my mom terribly. I wanted nothing more than to call her and talk to her about all the emotional stuff I was feeling. I don't know that she would have spoken the words that I needed to hear, but I sure felt like I needed her. I had an appointment with the OBGYN today. I got off birth control in January in attempts to see if I was having a normal cycle on my own. At some point in the past I was told I had PCOS, which makes ovulating difficult. So I've lived for quite sometime thinking I had this. It didn't really become a reality until today.... when I was sent to go have lab work done to test my "levels". Five vials of blood later and a week of waiting. Then the results were in. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been.
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