Losing control

Nothing hurts worse than having your sins pointed out to you. It’s even worse when you didn’t realize you were sinning. In a world full of sin and the mentality that sin’s ok, it’s so bittersweet to have it pointed out to you. Gosh it hurts! It stings right to the core of who we are. Lots of feelings and emotions rear their ugly head when we are “called out” for sin. We get angry, we feel offended, and better yet we try to justify why we weren’t really sinning. I may be on my own here, but I have a feeling I’m not. Sometimes God breaks us down another notch, just when we thought we were already at the bottom. That we’ve already been broken enough and couldn’t possibly have anything else to “knock us down” further. But alas, God is a God of many things. When we are truly seeking Him, He will bring our sins to light. Sometimes it feels like a big gigantic beacon displaying our sins around us. I sit there thinking to myself…. How did I miss it? How did I not know that I was doing that? How did I not “realize” my attitude was like that? It’s simple…. I wasn’t asking… Sometimes in life we don’t ask because we don’t want to know. We don’t want to hear the negative. We don’t want to have to do the work to “fix it” or “make it right”. We don’t want to own up to our imperfections. That’s pride! It rears its ugly head in many different situations. It’s a sin that is often justified, downplayed, or just plain overlooked.

Unfortunately I’m guilty of this sin… it has consumed me emotionally and caused me to have a negative attitude. Why do I have to feel in control all of the time? Why do I try to plan out a situation in such a way to “make everyone happy” or to “control how they feel”? I guess I didn’t realize that I was being prideful. I didn’t even think to ask God to show that to me. Oh gosh, I sure didn’t want to know that I was doing that. That I was overlooking God’s provision and trying to control everything on my own. How stupid is that? I know that I have no control. Logically I know all of this. So why do I, in my inmost being, think that I really have control over a situation? Today I sit here and cry out to God to change me! Change my heart! Take away my “sinful need” to be in control! Why can’t I be more flexible (my kids would smile and say that’s a vocabulary word from last week)? I AM NOT IN CONTROL! I AM NOT IN CONTROL! I AM NOT IN CONTROL! Somehow I envision myself standing on a mountain top screaming this to the sky. Crying out to God and surrendering to the fact that I am NOT in control. Why can I trust Him for some things, but not everything? Why do I put my trust in earthly people and not my Heavenly Father? Why can’t I give it up? I hate feeling vulnerable (another vocab word last week)! Not being in control makes me feel that way.

I’ve spent the last year or so of my life being broken out of my “comfort zone”. Having all of the things that I could control or that I felt brought me control, being stripped away from me. I feel like I’m walking in a foreign land. I can’t control who decides to befriend me, if I will fit in, will they think I’m weird, etc… I spend my days at school not knowing how to fit in exactly. I don’t know the way things have always been, the proper procedures for everything, etc… I’m having to relearn and depend on someone other than myself. It makes me VERY uncomfortable and I feel EXTREMELY vulnerable. The problem with depending on someone other than myself is that I don’t go to God first. I’ve even mentioned to my husband that I don’t know why I don’t go to God first. It’s like instead of clinging to Him, I run. I try to hide. I try to bury myself and not have to deal with it. I want to live in denial. I want to avoid dealing with it. I want to not have to own my mistakes.

Oh God, my God please break me to where you are the first one that I seek in all things. Lord help me to put my whole trust in You and only You! Humans will let me down, just like I will let them down. I’m asking that you break my heart to surrender to You! Lord break me to where people won’t see me, but see You in me. I want to stop having to carry the heavy burden. I need You to do it for me. As I sit her in tears, you know my heart Father. You know that I don’t want to be stubborn and prideful. I want to be Your child. Confident that you are in control of everything and I am in control of nothing! God help me to see that You are the only one my trust should be in. You love me so much that you can count the number of hairs on my head and know my heart, deep into the core of my being. Father I don’t want to be in control. I want to be free to put my trust in You and leave it there. Teach me to quit picking up the load and quit trying to carry it myself. I can’t do it anymore! I lay it all down at your feet and beg for you to carry the load for me.

Your grace is sufficient for me. Thank you for not giving me what I deserve. Thank you for loving me, even when I feel unlovable. Thank you for blessing me with a husband who loves me and wants to push me to grow closer to you. For that I’m blessed beyond measure. Father, I know that you haven’t forgotten me. I know that you are here with me even when I feel like I’m in a valley. You are the God of the mountains, just like you are the God of the valleys. You bring us hope for tomorrow when it feels like there isn’t any hope left.

Father I pray that you give me peace today as I’m exposed and vulnerable today. Give me freedom to know that You’ve got this and I don’t have to do it on my own. God help me to know that you love me and that even though I’ve messed up, that I am lovable and loved by You. I pray that you restore my broken spirit and fill my spirit with Your promises of truth. Give me scripture or music to remind me of your grace and mercy today. Please forgive me for being so prideful that I felt like I could be in control. Father help me to accept Your forgiveness, but to also forgive myself and not hold on to the imperfections. Protect me from attacks from satan today Lord. Don’t give him the opportunity to tear me down today. Thank you for your unconditional love.

Amen